Kill her! PLEASE! For the love of Legolas!
by Xx-AnGeLiC dEvIl-xX
Summary: Hehe! Fellowship-torture! This girl seriously HATES lotr! OMG!! how can she!? And she will do anything just to make thier lives a living hell when she ends up there! The funny adventures of a frustrated teen! NO Mary-Sues!!! And NO romance! Promise!
1. Meet the gal!

A/N: Hey hey! Ok, this is my first fanfic of LOTR (actually I have another one, but it got somehow ruined-don't look at ME!) so please don't kill me. It's 4:01 am and I can't sleep! Ok so.first chappy...u just get introduced to my chara and I guess in the second chappy, she finds herself in middle- earth. JUST TO TELL U, THIS IS NOT A MARY-SUE! OOOH I LIKE THESE CAPITAL LETTERS!---AHEM SO ANYWAYS, EVERYONES GONNA GET ANNOYED OF MELDA AND THEY JUST WANNA THROW HER OFF A CLIFF TO BE RID OF HER, SO DOES THAT MEAN THAT SHE'S A MARY-SUE? I DON'T FINK SO!!  
  
PLZ read! I'd be so proud and happy if u review them! Flames will be used to melt marshmallows on a stick and make Sam eat them and get fatter!!! YOU WOULDN'T WANT THAT, NOW WOULD YOU?!? Lolz, on with the story.  
  
P.S.: This first part won't be funny but BEAR WITH ME!! I promise it'll be better in the second chappy! You'll laugh hard...and if my humorous abilities aren't good enough...it would at least put a smile on your face....?  
  
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Melda came storming of class. The freakin' teacher was freaking out again. He was the most annoying math teacher she ever had. If Solana didn't hold her back, Melda would have lunged herself at him and begin smacking him till his face turned blue.  
  
She began swearing at him under her breath. Not only that he didn't respect that her younger brother just died from cancer over the holidays, but he always gives her a hard time even over the worst moments. Like this one for example.  
  
Macey came behind her, " yo Mel! I'm really sorry about your brother...maybe I could do something to cheer you up." Melda sighed as she opened her locker, threw her math books inside, took out the French books and slammed the locker as hard as she could. "Yeah as if... I don't think anyone can do anything!"  
  
"Well um...how about I take you to Lord of the Rings, the Two Towers premier on Wednesday? It's on me! I'll pay you the ticket and your food." Suggested Macey.  
  
"Ooooooh ya! That cheers me up a lot!" Yelled Melda sarcastically. "Haven't I repeated to you for the thousandth time that I HATE that book!?"  
  
"But we're going to see the movie- "  
  
"Book! Movie! Both! They're so STUPID!! I hate fantasy stories and everything that has to do with it." She said.  
  
Suddenly she leaned back on a wall and sighed depressed. "I miss my brother.I miss going back home and being squirted with his SuperSplasher X1000...and me chasing him from one end of the house to another."  
  
"I'm sorry Melda." Said Macey.  
  
"It's ok...but it really feels weird." Said Melda, holding herself from crying. "I'm an only child again."  
  
"Well um.listen. Come with me this Wednesday. I'll pay for you-the movie is REALLY good!! It will make you forget about everything that's happening to you."  
  
"Um...ok." Said Melda, not very sure. Like I said, she never did like Lord of the Rings. The movie was always so dark and depressing. And they were also forced to read them for English class which made her hate it more, on the count of it was too friendly and most of their conversations were absolutely long and pointless. Melda wouldn't stop laughing for the week and a half at the part when Legolas began shouting, "Ai! Ai! A Balrog! A Balrog has come!" in the Mines or Moria. "He sounded just like a Chihuahua or something!" She kept saying. Anyways, she entered French class, took out her homework and began writing what was on the white-board.  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
As soon as Melda came home, she ducked under the couch to hide from Spencer. Then she realized what she was doing and sighed. "Man! I gotta get over him and stop doing this! He's dead! It's not like he's gonna come back to life." But she wished he did. She wished that this was all a dream and that she would wake up soon.  
  
Her mom came in and saw Melda lying next to the couch. "Honey what are you doing?"  
  
"Nothing.I just forgot that Spencer wasn't there to torture me with something that he caught in the backyard." She said. Melda's mom sat down next to her and tears trickled down her face. She hadn't slept in days because she couldn't get over the event. "It's hard to live a new life isn't it?"  
  
"Yeah." Whispered Melda. "Um...mom? Macey wants me to go with her to the movies to make me forget about everything that's happening. She wants to take me to the Lord of the Rings two on Wednesday."  
  
Her mom frowned. She never did like that movie-lots of killing. But Spencer was the only one in the family who loved it. "This Wednesday? As in after tomorrow?" Melda nodded.  
  
"Oh no honey. I'm afraid you can't go."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"It's Spencer's funeral on Wednesday."  
  
"F-f-funeral!? Already!?" Yelled Melda.  
  
"What do you mean already? It's been almost a week now. The doctors aren't too happy keeping him in the hospital any longer."  
  
"But...Oh mom!" She sighed. "This is so not fair. What did Spencer do to deserve this?"  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
On Tuesday, Melda decided to avoid every body. Macey tried to ask her if she was allowed to go, but Melda didn't answer back. She didn't talk to anyone or say anything except in class when she had to answer the teachers.  
  
The next day, she could barely look anyone in the eye. She was forced to go to school because she had an end of term Science exam. So Melda decided to wear something black today which was pretty different because she always wore colorful clothes. The only thing she had in black, other than the funeral dress, were a black shirt that said "I'm not that innocent" and black leather pants. So she wore those. Everyone noticed how quiet she was this day but they didn't know why.  
  
Macey came to her in the hallway and pushed her against a wall. "Ok what is WRONG with you?? Yesterday you've been ignoring everyone and today too. What did we do to you?!"  
  
"Nothing." She said slowly.  
  
"Yeah-right!" Macey said sarcastically. "The always talkative girl had suddenly decided to go mute for nothing, right? Look I know your brother's dead-but is it that bad that you have to get away from everyone you know? You didn't even tell me if you want to go see the movie with me today!"  
  
"No! It's my brother's funeral today, OK?!" Yelled Melda.  
  
"Ohmygosh!" Gasped Macey. "I'm SO SO sorry!! I didn't know!"  
  
"Well now you do, ok?!" Snapped Melda. "I told you anyway that I don't want to go with you! I HATE LORD OF THE RINGS!!" She yelled the last line so loud that everyone in the hallway stopped talking and stared at her.  
  
Melda looked around and turned back to her locker to get her things for the last course. Math (A/n: Dun dun duuun...!!) In math, Mr. Darryl made them start their course before the bell even rang. They took out their math book to begin correcting. Melda didn't do her homework because she had a perfectly good reason. Though she doubted it would convince the math teacher.  
  
When it was her turn to say the answer, she just said, "I'm sorry sir, I didn't do it."  
  
"And why is that, Miss Delaquela?" He said frowning. "Well it's because---"  
  
"Because you think you can get away with another excuse, is it not? I will not fall for another one of them just like the one on Monday when you told me that you couldn't do your homework because your brother died." Said Mr. Darryl sourly.  
  
"That's because he did die, you sadistic asshole!" Melda suddenly snapped. People around her gasped and Mr. Darryl gave her a death glare but Melda continued to talk. "We were doing arrangements for his funeral these past days! Because his funeral is TODAY, ok?!?!" People gasped again. No one knew that, even her best friend Solana.  
  
Mr. Darryl glared at her, his fury obviously visible. "How DARE you call me a sadistic asshole!? You stupid child! You have a three hour detention after school-starting from now, for two whole weeks!"  
  
"B-but it's my brother's funeral!" Said Melda.  
  
"I don't give a shit Miss Delaquela (a/n: Yeah I know teachers don't normally swear in class-but hey! My English teacher does!)!" Yelled Mr. Darryl.  
  
"Go to the detention room NOW! And get out of my sight before I make your detention any longer!"  
  
Melda threw her math books on the floor and burst out of the room. She was SO close at throwing them at the teacher's big head! 'Just remember the anger management courses...calm down!!' She thought.  
  
Then she made up her mind that she wouldn't go to detention. And if Mr. Darryl would punish her worst, then either her parents would have a talk with him or her fist you do the talking instead. Melda went to her locker, stuffed her bag with her gym clothes, shoes, CD player-anything that she had in her locker, which didn't have to do with studies, and ran away from the school.  
  
She had to hurry home if she wanted to be on the funeral on time because it was going to start in an hour. Going home in the bus takes her at least 45 minutes, so imagine walking. She decided to take the public bus but she suddenly found herself on a road she didn't recognize. There were no signs but only a road and a large forest on either side. It looked like some kind of highway.  
  
"Shit!" Muttered Melda. She tried to go back the way she came from but she couldn't find the normal road. "Oh GREAT! ABSOULOUTLY-MARVELOUSLY GREAT!!" She yelled so loud that birds fluttered out of the trees in fright. She then went to cross to the other side to the forest to see if she can cut it and get to the main road when out of nowhere, a black car sped right into Melda's direction.  
  
Melda screamed, but felt no pain coming...only blue light.  
  
*~*~~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~**~*~  
  
So...how was it? Did u like it? I know I know...nothing interesting happened. But if u leave any reviews.I'll update! It's gonna get better! I added the 2nd chapter if u wanna read it! Though I'm not sure if it's working. Uploading is so confusing!! Anyways.I'll be generous...gimme at least 5 reviews and I'll write more! Pweaze! 


	2. Aren't you supposed to be in China?

Here's chapter two, thanks for your reviews ppl!  
  
*~*  
  
CHAPTER TWO--  
  
"Ow my head!" Said Melda. "Ow...ow... ow OW!!"  
  
"Strider! She's coming to!" She heard a voice say.  
  
Strider? That name sounds familiar.  
  
A blurry image of a man appeared. "My lady, are you all right?" Melda looked up but she felt dizzy. Suddenly she found herself mumbling for no reason, "Aren't you supposed to be in China?"  
  
The man mistook it for another language because she had said it all at once and said, " Oh, Lle quena i'lambe tel' Eldalie? (Oh, do you speak elvish?)  
  
"Ba?" Said Melda sounding like an idiot.  
  
"What is she saying?" Said another voice.  
  
"I do not know. I do not seem to understand what 'ba' and 'ariyu supeste be 'n China' means." Said the man called Strider.  
  
"Perhaps it's the Wraith language!" She heard a third voice saying fearfully.  
  
"Don't be silly! She's just a little girl!" Melda heard someone getting hit, more likely on the head and then an "OW! That hurt Merry!" Then Strider spoke. "I care not. We have to hurry to Rivendell. Elrond is expecting us!"  
  
Rivendell? Merry? Elrond!? Why did all these names sound so familiar? Where had she heard them from before???!  
  
By the time, Melda was able to sit up. She rubbed her head achingly and she found out later that her head was resting on a lumpy rock the whole time. She looked at the people who were around her with a clearer view and the first man she spotted was so greasy and filthy that the look of disgust couldn't escape her face. "Hey, ever heard of Shampoo? Or at least soap and water?"  
  
The man frowned and got up. "We have to be leaving now, we are in a hurry. Do you know your way home young lady?" Melda got up too. How annoying. He sounded just like her mom when she nosily says, "Where have you been, young lady?" every time she comes home late. "Well yeah-um I mean not really. I came to a road I've never seen before, and I tried to go back from where I came but I couldn't find my way. Can you take me to Kingston Street? Or at least the street to my school, Desources?" Melda couldn't remember the part when the car hit her.  
  
Strider looked at her strangely. "No my Lady. I cannot. Since I have never heard the names of these...streets before."  
  
"So much for a grown man to know the way around to city." Mumbled Melda as she decided to ask the other people. She gasped when she saw the tiny people. They were at least the height of her waist and there was something VERY familiar about them. Especially the fat one. "Ok.where the hell am I?"  
  
"On the road to Rivendell." Said the man who was starting to get impatient. "And if you please, we must be on our way."  
  
"Rivendell? As in Middle-Earth?" Said Melda.  
  
"Uh-huh." Said one of the tiny men in a funny accent. "By the way, we haven't been properly introduced. My name is Peregrin Took, but you can call me Pip or Pippin or Fool of a Took if you want to be mean. He is Meriadock Brandybuck or Merry as we prefer, Samwise Gamgee also known as Sam and he is Strider, also known as Aragorn, Son of Arathorn, Eledndil, Elessar, Arathorn's-kid-guy (a/n: he he.), Longshanks...hmm did leave any out Sam?"  
  
"Yes you did you fool of a Took. I have MUCH more than what you just said." Said Strider, Aragorn son of Arathorn, Elessar-ok we'll just call him Aragorn.  
  
Melda listened slowly and just as Pippin finished talking, she looked at her hands and then at the forest around her. "A-a-am...I a-a M-M-...Mary- Sue?" She could barely get the words out of her mouth. Suddenly she dropped to her knees and screamed dramatically to the sky, which doesn't care. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO O OOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"  
  
"Wow...talk about dramatic." Said Pippin.  
  
"We weren't talking about dramatic, Pip. No one even mentioned that word." Said Merry, now giving him another hit on the head.  
  
"Yes. I did." Said a fell voice in the air.  
  
"Who said that?!" Asked Sam fearfully.  
  
"I did!"  
  
"And...who is *I*?" Asked Aragorn.  
  
"The Authoress!" Said the authoress with the fell voice that was in the air.  
  
"Is authoress another word for authority?" Asked Sam, now shaking in his body.  
  
"Because if it is--I swear I didn't do it!! I swear I didn't steal that pie lying on Frodo's window-sill 26 years ago!...That hot yummy blue- berry filled pie...lying there all alone and unwatched--b-but that doesn't mean I took it!"  
  
Sam suddenly burst in tears and began mumbling. "Oh I'm sorry! I didn't mean to do it! I was cutting his grass and I was very hungry! Now Mr. Frodo is dying and I didn't even tell him what happened to that missing pie!!!" Pippin, having nothing better to do, awkwardly patted Sam on the back lightly, trying to comfort him. "O...k..,,," Said Melda slowly then she turned back to the sky, which still has no intention of caring about her and said, "Well Miss authoress, why the hell did you drag me here? You know I hate Lord of the Rings!"  
  
"Because I love writing these kinds of stories-even if people hate to read 'em! Anyways I better go! I'm interrupting the story!"  
  
"Yeah you are." Said Pippin. Just then a rock fell from the sky right on his head and now he has three bruises the size of Texas.  
  
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Plz R&R!! As you can see (or not.) that I have this story written up to chapter 7...and if you review, they'll be updated sooner than you expect! I'm really eager to upload them!! 


	3. I'LL KILL YOU!

I don't really have anything to say...except thanks for your reviews!!  
  
*~*  
  
CHAPTER THREE---  
  
"Oh CRAP!!" Said Melda suddenly stopping dead in her tracks. Merry bumped into her followed by Pippin, Sam, Frodo and even Bill the pony.  
  
"What is it?" Asked Aragorn alarmed. Melda began crying hysterically. "No-- no--no--NO!! Why me!? Of all the other days of my life-did it have to be THIS one!?!? Why!? Why!?"  
  
"What happened?!?" He asked now feeling annoyed. Suddenly Melda stopped crying and looked at Aragorn with the most freakiest look (or death-glare, if you want me to be more specific) he had ever seen or received. "W-what?" He stammered. (A/N: I'm gonna not put my self in the story anymore. Actually I'll *try*. Because it's just gonna screw up the plot.)  
  
"It was YOU!!" She screeched at him. "YOU DID IT!! YOU AND THAT FREAKY WITCH-GUY!!"  
  
"Did what?" Aragorn said slowly backing away. She was starting to freak him out. 'Calm down.you're a ranger..a FEARLESS ranger...she's just a ....freaky girl...breath in, breath out.'  
  
"That stupid Ganflad guy! You made him send me here! ON TODAY!! You stupid ass-hole! It's my brother's funeral today! TODAY!!!!"  
  
"Ganflad? Oh you mean Gandalf? How do you know hi--" Just before he was able to finish, Melda lunged at him attacking him everywhere she was able to. She even scratched him on the face with her long nails and much to her frustration-she even broke some of them. "You idiot! You freak! Ass-hole! Look what you made me do! I broke my nails! NailS!! And when I meet that Ganflad-I'm gonna LITERARLY KILL HIM!!" He tried to hold her back but scarily enough, she was extremely strong when she was angry.and besides, he was a gentleman so he couldn't hurt her back.  
  
It had to take all hobbits to pull Melda off of Aragorn. And they even dumped their luggage on top of her to stop her from moving and killing Aragorn.  
  
The man got up and rubbed his scratches and looked fearfully at Melda who looked just like the crazy Tasmanian devil from the Bug's Bunny show. (A/N: Lol! Remember him?)  
  
*~*~*  
  
"Hey...umm guys? You can free me now. I feel better."  
  
"Oh really? So you can escape and attack me again?" Aragorn said stiffly.  
  
"No! I'm serious...I um cried my self out and now I'm OK."  
  
The hobbits and the man looked gave each other looks and decided to slid her off Bill and untie her hands and feet. Once that was accomplished, Melda rubbed her wrists. "Look I'm sorry I attacked you. I was so frustrated that I ended up in here on my brother's funeral when I was already gonna come home late. And if this is really Middle-Earth and that we're gonna get to Rivendell soon, can we meet Ganflad and Edmond--what ever their names are-- so they can bring me back home before sunset so I can at least get to the funeral in time to see my brother buried?"  
  
Aragorn smiled. "It's Gandalf and Elrond not Ganflad and Edmond."  
  
"WHATEVER!"  
  
"Well we can get there before sunset if we can make haste and have nothing in out way."  
  
"Great!" Said Melda as she began running. "Hurry up slowpokes!"  
  
"You want to help her?" Asked Pippin unbelievably. "Yes.. Something tells me that she is not your average girl. She is not the type that would cry if she spilt something on her garments or scream if she spotted an insect."  
  
"Well of course! Because she's crazy!"  
  
*~*  
  
NOW YOU MUST REVIEW! MWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA *gasp for air* HAHAHA!! *hack* Aack! *cough* Eww...I think I just swallowed a mosquito. 


	4. Nike shoes Latin translation: VICTORY SH...

Disclaimer: Whoopsie! I forgot to put these in my other chapters. Oh well! It doesn't really matter because I OWN LOTR!! I AM TOLKEIN AND I AM BACK FROM THE DEAD!! MWAHAHAHA!! *The FBI comes in and arrests her for her treachery (is the FBI supposed to even DO this??!)* ANWAYS.. Here's chappy 4!  
  
CHAPTER FOUR-  
  
Melda's heels were hurting like hell. She stopped running right after two meters and began wheezing. She also earned a lot of laughter from the others. So now she had to follow Strider and he was walking really slowly and she couldn't help but kick him in the heels as she walked.  
  
"Stop kicking my heels."  
  
"Well you're so slow."  
  
"Well for you're information I have to listen for danger to keep us away from it."  
  
"Hardy hard-hard." Melda said for no particular reason, rolling her eyes. Aragorn looked at her strangely and then shook his head.  
  
**** Later on ****  
  
The sun was setting and Melda began to get worried.  
  
"Are we there yet?" She asked feeling very bored.  
  
"No." Sighed Aragorn.  
  
"Ok..how bout now?"  
  
"We barely took two steps and you ask me that again! No we're not there."  
  
"..do..do..tum..dee..da-how bout NOW?"  
  
"NO! SHUTUP ALREADY!"  
  
Melda was taken aback. "Whoa..someone has a short temper.."  
  
Five minutes barely passed when Melda began complaining again. "My feet hurt. I'm hungry. It's soooo boring here! How can you walk for so long without saying anything!?"  
  
"Well we usually sing songs." Said Sam.  
  
"Oh I want to sing one!" Cried Merry.  
  
"It's one of Bilbo's favorites! ''Twas a midsummer's eve I roved along the bridge of Lilytown 'Twas there, sitting next to the lake, I met a pretty lass-'  
  
"I walked up to her and said 'Kiss myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy aaaaaaaaaaaaaass!!' " Melda yelled on top of her lungs, finishing the verse for him.  
  
Merry looked at her furiously. "That's not how it goes!"  
  
"Hush little one." She said sounding very much like the way Arwen talks. "Melda will sing you something better!"  
  
Now Melda isn't usually like this but lack of food makes her even more hyper than when she has eight cups of coffee in a row. 'So OBJECTION! I don't want a big exception! To get a bit of your ATTENTION! I love you for free and I'm not your MOTHER! But you don't even bother! So OBJECTION! I'm tired of this triangle! Got dizzy dancing Tango! I'm falling apart in your hands again! No way! I've got to get away!'  
  
Did I mention that she's not good at singing either? She sounds like someone's playing a baby with a violin (A/N: o.O ). Melda would be perfect in advertising in HALLS commercials.but unfortunately, the HALLS would have to effect on her. As she sang, she began doing a some-what belly dance, that made her look like she was drunk, high-everything that would make her look like an idiot.  
  
"Are you sure that her sanity isn't missing?" Whispered Merry to Pippin as they both slowly edged three meters away from her. "Why did you even bring her with us?! You should have left her where we found her back when we had the chance!" Hissed Sam to Aragorn who apparently was banging his head again and again on a tree restraining himself from whacking Melda's head with the back of his sword. Once they were done, she looked at them. "Well did you like my amazing talent?"  
  
The hobbits immediately shook their heads and Aragorn banged his head once more (A/N: Lolz! Looks like Aragorn's lost his cool!). Melda pouted and looked at the ground. "Hey cool!" She suddenly said as she lied down on the floor and did strange movements with her arms and legs.  
  
"What are you doing now?" Sighed Aragorn.  
  
"Dirtangels!"  
  
"Dirtangels?" He repeated.  
  
"Yeah, you know! It's like snow angels except it's done with dirt!"  
  
Sam smacked her forehead at her idiocy. Sometimes he felt she was more stupid than Pippin himself. *~*~*~~*  
  
"Come on, Aragorn! Let's hurry!" Yelled Melda. She was tired but she had to get to Rivendell before sunset. They had finally fed her and she calmed down and stopped her weirdness. Now she was serious.  
  
"We must rest." Said Aragorn.  
  
"NO! I wanna hurry up! My mom's gonna kill me if I miss the funeral! And I'm gonna kill myself too!"  
  
"Good! Then let's rest till next morning!" Said Sam.  
  
Melda glared at him.  
  
"Hey I was just joking, miss!"  
  
"Please we must hurry! If you don't, then I'LL go by myself!"  
  
"Alright then. Go ahead!" Said Aragorn amused even though he knew Melda's situation. "You won't get far. You'll eventually get lost or come back to us."  
  
Melda scoffed. An answer like that wasn't going to stop her. She took her bag from bill and opened it. Then she took off the strange black boots she wore and took out an even stranger speciment of footwear. It was black and white, woven with laces and even had a check mark on the side of it. "What is *that*?" Asked Pippin. "That my friend, is the ultimate Nike shoes that I am sure you will never be able to have." Said Melda putting them on. " They're so soft in the inside that it makes you feel as if you're walking on air-and it makes you wanna run all the time. (A/N: Sounds like I'm advertising it, no? ~.~)" "Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight." Said Sam. "And I'm in love with Frodo."  
  
"We know." Smiled Melda.  
  
"W-wait! That was supposed to be a sarcasm remark!"  
  
"Ok then..I'll see you at Riverdale." Melda said as she smiled wider and began running with her bag fastened on her back.  
  
"It's RivEN-DELL!!!" Yelled Aragorn.  
  
No sooner had they walked a few steps, when Melda came running back to them. Aragorn had a smile of triumph. He knew she was coming back and that she had to continue the quest with them.  
  
"Er.Which way is Rivendell?"  
  
Aragorn's smile faded and said flatly pointing northeast. " That way." "Thanks." She did this movement with her hand as if pointing something on her forehead. (A/N: its the sailor's way to salute.u know? Aragorn couldn't describe it well.and neither could I.) and hurried to that direction.  
  
*~*  
  
So um..how was it? Hope it wasn't THAT bad! Plz review!! It's my b-day! (I wish..) 


	5. Legolas the'loser' not literaly!

DISCLAIMER: *sigh*..ever since the FBI caught me, I've learned my lesson. I DON'T own LOTR *sob*...or any of Tolkien's characters except for Melda who is mine. Although I wish I owned Legolas..or even better...ORLANDO BLOOM!! God, that guy is hot!! Hey did you know he lost his virginity at 14??? o.O! noooooooooooooo *FBI taps her on the shoulder* wha? Oh yeah! So I don't own LOTR, OK??? YOU DON'T HAVE TO RUB IT IN MY FACE!!!  
  
First I want to thank my first reviewers!!  
  
The Adorable Kitten Fluffy: Heh! Glad u find it funny! See? When you review, I upload right away!  
  
Saera: You think it's a Mary- Sue cuz ur in the first chapter. Have u read the others??  
  
Imbefaniel: THANKIES!!!  
  
Imbefaniel again: You wanna be in her place? Me too! But not when they're about to give her willingly to the orcs! And did u mean ur sis dad..or dead? Sometimes I wish the same, but it's not as funny when it really happens. My friend's friend's brother died from cancer and I felt so bad for him and I don't even know that guy!!! Anyways, I'm not here to give u a moral!  
  
*~*  
  
CHAPTER FIVE-  
  
Melda was running as fast as she could down the grassy grounds. She wasn't really the sporty type who likes to run but at least the shoes helped. Besides she really wanted to get to the funeral when suddenly, she noticed that the sun was sinking over in the mountains.  
  
"Awwwwww CRAP! Please no! Don't! Go up! Go back up!" Melda yelled to the Sun (Let's see.if the sky didn't care, then would the sun?). But it continued sinking. Melda screamed angrily and began stomping on.  
  
Once she came upon a clear road, she felt like she was about to kill anyone or anything right now. "Can it get any worst!?!" She wondered aloud just when she felt something pointy at her neck. "I was afraid I asked." She murmured turning around.  
  
Daro! The person said. It sounded like a male voice but when Melda tried to take a better look at 'him', it had had long blondish hair and even though it was getting dark, she could still see blue eyes flicker under the moonlight. Could it be...? She thought. Naaa..that's 'tupid...it's probably some woman with a deep voice.  
  
"Excuse me, miss? Can you tell me how to get to Rivendell from here?" She asked unsure.  
  
The person frowned and spoke normally. "Miss? Do I look like a woman to you?"  
  
"Ooooh. Looks like someone forgot his manners. You're supposed to address me as 'my Lady'." Said Melda amusingly.  
  
"I am truly sorry.my lady if I have been rude. I thought you were an intruder like an orc." He bent down to kiss her hand. "Mae Govannen, nin arwen." Melda yanked her hand away. "BACK OFF, Mye! I already got a man!"  
  
The man rolled his eyes. "A kiss on the hand shows appreciation and respect for the lady in front of you and Mae Govannen means 'Well met' in elvish, it is not my name."  
  
"Oh...I knew that..." Melda said stupidly and bowed like the way Chinese people do. "My Govaniin to you too."  
  
The man stepped back a little. She was a really strange girl. "I.am Legolas." He said unsurely but then remembered his nobility. "My name is Legolas Greenleaf, prince of Mirkwood, Son of Thranduil."  
  
Now it was the girl's turn to step back. "Legolas?" Melda looked closer at him before she erupted into fits of giggles. "What is it that you find so funny, my lady?" He said frowning again. "Is it my name? It is Elvish for 'green collection of leaves.' " Well maybe he shouldn't have told her that 'cause it just made her laugh even harder.  
  
"Oh my Gawd! Haahahahhaha!! Leg! Legging-las! Legless! Green collection of leaves!!??! HAHAHAHHA!"  
  
"I do not find anything rather funny about this." He said, she was really starting to annoy him. "What is you're name then?"  
  
She stopped laughing and wiped away a tear (A/N: I don't see what was so funny about his name either but I had no idea why I wrote it...). "It's Melda Delaquela."  
  
Legolas started laughing too, even though it sounded like he was faking it. He was probably trying to get her back. "Haha! Melda!! It sounds like..." He stopped laughing and thought for a minute. "It sounds like..ZELDA!! That's it! Isn't that funny!? No wait..that's my cousin's daughter's name...Oh! It sounds like HELGA!" Melda crossed her arms. "Yeah that's one of my friend's names...got a problem with that elfy?"  
  
"No..."  
  
"Ok whatever. Look can you show me the way to Rivendell?" asked Melda.  
  
"What for? Were you summoned by Lord Elrond for the Council?" Legolas asked suspiciously.  
  
"I'm in the time when we go to the Council? DAMN IT! This just gets crappier by the minute! Now I'm gonna join them on the quest, taught to be good in weapons and fight evil people and-and fall in love with one of the fellowship! Like--like--like YOU!" Yelled Melda.  
  
"Er...perhaps I should go. My lady, I have no idea what you are talking about and I do not want to know for it sort of scares me." He said hopping on his horse with a nervous glance at Melda. "I have to be going now. The Council is expecting me early morning."  
  
"W--wait! Please! Can you take me? I had to be there by sundown!" She said running to him.  
  
"Why? What business do you have there?"  
  
"Er...it's privet. I don't think you'd understand."  
  
"Then who sent you?"  
  
"No one."  
  
"You came here alone to meet Lord Elrond. Is he expecting you? Does he even know who you are?"  
  
"Well actually...um...no. But Aragorn said he would be able to help me with err. this problem." Said Melda.  
  
"Estel? You already met the future King of Gondor?" He asked with a surprised look on his face. "Yup. Now can you PLEASE show me the way?"  
  
Legolas sighed. "Get on my horse."  
  
"Er...ok." Said Melda. She tried to climb on the horse but since she never even seen one in real life, how was she supposed to know how to properly climb one? Legolas' horse neighed irritably and did a sharp movement that made Melda fall hard on her back.  
  
"Don't tell me that you can't ride a horse."  
  
"Ok. I won't." Melda said dusting herself.  
  
Legolas sighed again and pulled her up on it from her hands. The horse neighed again.  
  
"I don't like your horse."  
  
"And neither does he like you."  
  
"So what? What is a horse gonna do to me?" she asked curiously.  
  
"Anything I command him to." Legolas smiled slyly.  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"Hold on my Lady!" Said Legolas. "Noro lim! Noro lim!"  
  
"Why?--Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Holy SHIT!!!" Cried Melda as the horse began running at full speed.  
  
*~*~*  
  
Wut's zis? A review button!? You MUST click it and see what it can do!! 


	6. Next time, she should watch what she say...

CHAPTER SIX-  
  
Legolas' face grimaced in disgust as his sharp ears heard Melda's gagging and throwing up.  
  
"I told you! I told you I don't know anything about horses!" Melda said while she took the time when her stomach began turning again. "Your horse is just like a roller coaster! And I can't even stand THAT" She bend down and began throwing up again.  
  
"I didn't know someone would suffer so much from a little horse ride. That wasn't his maximum speed anyway." Said Legolas as his face wrinkled in disgust. He tried to look somewhere else but the sounds of vomiting gave him mental images. So there was no way to escape them.  
  
Melda wiped her mouth and walked next to him. "Are you done?" Legolas asked covering his nose from the smell.  
  
"Hang on, elfy." Melda said as she walked over to her bag and took out a breath mint.  
  
Legolas climbed on his horse while muttering bitterly something that sounded like, Feuyaer.  
  
"Hey! I heard that!" Snapped Melda.  
  
"It was..er a compliment." Said Legolas.  
  
"You're very bad at lying you know that?"  
  
"No I am serious!"  
  
"Ok what did it mean?"  
  
"Er..that went well..?"  
  
"My throwing up went well?" Asked Melda stupidly raising her eyebrows. She wasn't able to do the one eyebrow thing so she did what she was able to.  
  
"Yes! I mean at least you didn't choke on your.vomit. So that means that it went well."  
  
Melda eyed him suspiciously and just shrugged it off. She mentally noted the word to ask her LotR fanatic friend, Macey what it means when she gets home. *If* she ever will.  
  
She climbed on the some big rocks and Legolas made his horse advance near them. That way, Melda was able to get on the horse with ease. "This time go SLOW. Ok, ya heard me? *Slllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllow*."  
  
Legolas rolled his eyes and lightly kicked his horse in its stomach making it trot. "We'll be as old as Lady Galadriel by the time we reach Rivendell."  
  
Melda gave him a glare and said nothing.  
  
*~*  
  
'She's a pretty lass. But I have no idea how she ended up with a personality and an attitude like this. She always says all these strange words I cannot comprehend. Her silvery white hair shines bright under the moonlight.' Thought Legolas. 'But a little too oily for my account. She must have spent quite a long time Aragorn. When did she last have bath? And I should probably make one of the maids in Rivendell advise her to bathe once we get there. And her green eyes always twinkle every time I look into them. At least they cannot get oily or smelly. But nevertheless-'  
  
"STOP STARING AT ME!"  
  
Legolas shut his ears in pain. "You don't have to yell. I am sitting right in front of you!"  
  
"Ya! Well why do you keep looking at me?"  
  
"What? Am I not allowed to have my freedom to even look? Besides I just want to make sure that you are alright in case you end up throwing up at my hair or anything like that!"  
  
Melda gave him a death-glare. And Legolas decided to ignore it and focus on the road ahead. "When are we gonna get there?"  
  
"By early morning if we do not rest. But we could reach there earlier if you just let my horse walk faster." Sighed Legolas.  
  
"No. I'm cool. 5 kilometers per hour is just fine for me." Said Melda happily. Suddenly she sighed deppressivly. "So I guess I missed my bro's funeral..."  
  
"Your what?" Legolas asked shocked.  
  
"My brother's funeral, you ass. He died from cancer." Legolas had no idea why Melda called him a donkey since he looked NOTHING like one and whatever cancer was but from her tone, he knew it was some bad malady. "Oh, I am truly sorry, my lady. That explains your impatience."  
  
"No shit, Sherlock."  
  
Legolas raised an eyebrow. What IS she saying? Does she come from some tribe he had never heard of?  
  
"Where do you come from, anyway?" He finally asked.  
  
"Mordor." Melda said without thinking.  
  
Legolas and his horse immediately halted and he looked at her in utter shock. "MORDOR?"  
  
"N---no! It was just a joke, stupid. I come from CANADA."  
  
"You LIE! I have never heard of such a city. And you talk to me without any respect when you know I am a Prince of an almighty powerful Elven place! Now I understand your strange behavior! "  
  
'Oh shit.this is bad! Like REALLY BAD!!' Melda thought desperately. "I'm not from Mordor! I don't know anything about that place! I SWEAR!"  
  
"You are a spy! I should have known!"  
  
"I. AM. NOT!" was all Melda could say. Man! That elf was hardheaded!  
  
Legolas climbed down his horse and pushed Melda painfully to the floor with his strong arms. He then took out something from the luggage his horse was carrying, which turned out to be a rope and he began tying Melda's hands and legs. Then he pushed her up on the horse and she sat on the saddle on her stomach with her legs sticking out on one side and her head on the other. It was a very uncomfortable position. "Ha! Tell that to Lord Elrond himself!"  
  
*~*  
  
"This is very uncomfortable." Whined Melda. What did she put herself into?  
  
"That is your problem; not mine." Leoglas said carelessly.  
  
"Ya! Well you caused that problem, you stupid elf!" Melda yelled.  
"Auta miqula orqu (go kiss an orc)", Legolas said.  
"Oh shut up!"  
  
"Why should I? You do not even understand what I am saying."  
  
"I know it's bad! Like an insult!"  
  
"Congratulations, you actually used a bit of your intelligence. You probably won't use again it for a couple of centuries. I'm glad I am immortal to stick around and see that next time."  
  
Melda growled in anger.  
"Oh you want a foreign language insults war?!?! Un espece de con! J'esperes que tu te fais bruler MAL dans l'enfer! Quand j'aurais la chance, je vais t'etrangler! "  
Legolas sighed, "Dolle naa los, Antolle ulua sulrim. (You're head is empty and much wind pours from your mouth.)"  
  
"I can't believe Tolkein created a guy as stupid as you."  
  
"What's a Tolkein?" Asked Legolas, curiosity taking over him.  
  
"As if I'm telling YOU."  
  
"I know what he is. It's another one of your spies."  
  
"Ha! You wish! If Tolkein didn't write that stupid book, you would have never existed!"  
  
Legolas raised an eyebrow and muttered. "Howling mad."  
  
"I heard THAT!"  
  
"It was supposed to be intentionally."  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
For a while, Melda nor Legolas said anything to each other though you could still hear him muttering stuff in Elvish and Melda, thinking they were insults, began swearing at him in French.  
  
"I wish you would just shut up and go to sleep." He sighed again.  
  
"I wish I would too. But a close up of your smelly feet isn't all that tempting to make me fall asleep." Said Melda.  
  
Legolas pulled his foot away from her face, feeling insulted. "I'll have you know that I spray them with Lavender mist every time I---hey shut up!"  
  
Melda chocked on laughter, which she tried to turn into a cough, but failed. "Hehe...SOME one has feet problems."  
  
"If I was not a noble prince, you would have gotten a dagger through your throat before you would have even realized what was happening." Hissed Legolas.  
  
"Awwww...Leggy-loo-loo! Why aren't you treating me like a normal lady?" Melda said mockingly.  
  
"Well, first of all, any girl like you would never be even CALLED a Lady. Secondly, you are a spy of Sauron, you are not worth to be treated with manners. And Thirdly, I do not treat any one with respect who does not return that respect to I too."  
  
Melda looked at him in disgust. THAT'S the guy all the girls are crazy about? THAT'S the guy who would take you into his arms, sweep you off your feet and whisper to you elven love sentences under the willow trees of Rivendell? THAT'S the knight in shining armor!?  
  
Melda, being very tired, finally drifted to sleep. Legolas let out a sigh of relief. 'FINALY', he thought.  
  
*~*~*  
  
Melda slowly opened her eyes and then they widened at the beauty she saw. The grass was so green and the path was so clean. The trees were turning into several autumn colors..incase you didn't know it was October in the movie and the book so the autumn weather was slowly seeping in. There were statues of elves here and there.  
  
"Where are we?" Melda mumbled.  
  
"We are reaching Rivendell." Said a familiar voice.  
  
Her eyes widened again, if they could get any wider (which would look very scary, if u ask me.which I'm sure you didn't ask). 'What happened last night?! She thought, trying to get her memory back. Damn! I was hoping it was a freakin' dream! Why me!?...yeah and now that we are in Rivendell,' "What's gonna happen to me?" She thought aloud.  
  
"Most likely thrown into the dungeons, or become mindlessly tortured." Legolas said smiling, just as if he said that to anyone he met.  
  
Melda looked at him in horror. "W--what?!"  
  
"You heard me. Besides you deserve no better."  
  
She whimpered and stayed silent.  
  
Soon, Legolas' horse slowed down and it began trotting and finally, it stopped. You remember that scene when Legolas gallantly climbs down the horse and looks around Rivendell in the movie? Ya, well just imagine him climbing down and pushing a girl with dirty clothes and hair that has not been washed for two days on the ground.  
  
With Melda getting up and slapping him with hands tied. Legolas looked at her in shock. "Oh you are going to pay for that!"  
  
"Oh I'm sorry! I'm outa money!" She said sarcastically.  
  
Legolas growled in anger and dragged her into Rivendell. He couldn't WAIT to get rid of her.  
  
"If you don't let go off me NOW, I'm gonna scream!" Melda said. "You won't be able to properly, if I cut your tongue right out of your mouth!" Legolas threatened.  
  
Melda began screaming on the top of her lungs as Legolas dragged her down Rivendell's halls desperately. They didn't even get the time to enjoy its beauty like people normally do. Elves and humans who saw them pass by looked at them with fright and confusion.  
  
Legolas ignored them and dragged Melda all the way to the dungeons. Once they were there, he threw her into a cell and left her there. "I'll make Lord Elrond punish you good!"  
  
Melda stuck out her tongue and began insulting him in as many languages as she could; English, French, Japanese, Dutch, Arabic and even in Chinese and in Zulu.  
  
Once she ran out of words, she sat and looked around in frustration. 'Ya! Shouldn't I be in a beautiful elven chamber with a hot bath waiting for me!? And then someone there to escort me to the feast honorably like typical Mary-sues!!? ' She thought angrily. "I am SO gonna KILL that issy- prissy ELF!!"  
  
Just then her cell door opened and she saw a man with black hair and richly dressed with the most magical eyebrows she had ever seen. Melda thought that if he set them free, they would take over the world.  
  
It was Elrond and Legolas was with him. They were talking rapidly in Elvish and every now and then, Legolas would give her glares. Once they were done, Elrond walked up to her and asked her gently. "Mani naa essa en lle, arwen? Lle tyava quel? (what is your name, my lady? Do you feel well?)"  
  
"Ba?" Melda asked, mesmerized by his eyebrows. Even when he tried to be nice, they still made him look scary.  
  
"You do not speak Elvish do you?" He asked.  
  
She immediately came out of her trance. "Wha? No I don't."  
  
"It is just that you have the beauty of an elf." Elrond said. "I thought  
  
Legolas might be wrong in saying you were just a human."  
  
Legolas snorted. "Beauty? I could find more beauty in an orc! She is a servant of Sauron, my lord. A SPY! We should punish her for her treachery."  
  
Elrond sighed. "Has it not ever occurred to you that she is too young to be a servant of the almighty dark lord?"  
  
Legolas looked dumbfounded.  
  
"Really Legolas. Your stupidity even surprises me sometimes."  
  
"W-well maybe, she was raised in Mordor to become a super spy or something like that!" Legolas argued.  
  
"Hey! If I was a super spy, I would have killed you the moment I saw you, stupid elf!" Yelled Melda. "Seriously! You should dye your hair a different color so that it would make you look smarter. LOOK not SOUND."  
  
Legolas had no idea what she meant but he knew it was an insult. He gave her a death glare. "Is that all you can do, dumb blond?! (I have nothing against blonds, I just thought it might be funny.)" Melda said.  
  
"Well white hair comes after blond, so I guess you're stupider than I!" Legolas retorted.  
  
"That's not my natural hair color! I'm a brunette. Besides this isn't white, it's silver-ish! Why don't you just--"  
  
"ENOUGH!" Yelled Elrond. "Legolas, I would have expected better behavior coming from a prince."  
  
Melda smiled triumphantly but it immediately faded when Elrond glared at her. "And *you*. I would have expected better manners coming from a lady."  
  
Legolas smirked. Melda gave them both a mental death-glare and smiled sweetly and said in her sweetest voice. "I am sorry Lord Edmond."  
  
"It's EL-ROND." Elrond said.  
  
She smacked her forehead and heard Legolas cracking up with laughter. Elrond gave Legolas a glare, "I said ENOUGH of that. This Lady has the right of misspelling my name as since we have never met before and it is difficult to pronounce Elven names when you are a human."  
  
He then looked at Melda. "Very well then my lady, I shall take you to your room instead of this damp cell."  
  
"Oh THANK YOU!" She smiled gratefully. She got up, but she felt very weak. When was the last time she ate?? It's probably been two days!  
  
Elrond helped her up and they went out of the dungeons, with Legolas at their heals. Melda stuck out her tongue at him behind Elrond's back. Legolas was ready to strike, but restrained himself before he was able to take out his Elven daggers.  
  
As they walked down the marble halls, Elrond kept doing short glances often at Melda. And of course, she was aware of that. Suddenly she grew annoyed of him and yelled. "WOULD YOU STOP STARING AT ME!??"  
  
"Quiet you! You do not speak to an Elf lord like that!" Legolas hissed murderously.  
  
Elrond looked at her in shock.  
  
"THERE YOU GO AGAIN! I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO STOP STARING AT ME!" Legolas grabbed her wrist really hard. "DO. NOT. TALK. TO. LORD. ELROND. LIKE. THAT." He said it the exact same way you read it with his teeth clenched.  
  
"Legolas that is enough, and my Lady, I am sorry. I will stop staring at you." Elrond sighed. What's up with this woman?  
  
"GOOD! YOU DO THAT!"  
  
And Melda continued walking on, speeding up and having no idea where she was going. As she passed by other elves, they too, looked at her in a way Lord Elrond did. And every time, she yelled to them. "MY GOD! FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO LOOK AT, YOU STUPID ELF!" Or, "HELLO! WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE TO YOU? A MONUMENT FROM A FREAK SHOW THAT ESCAPED FROM THERE AND IS NOW GOING TO TAKE OVER RIVENDELL!?! STOP STARING AT ME, OR I'LL WRING YOUR NECK!!!"  
  
The elves all stared at her some more, which annoyed her very much, in shock, feeling very insulted. She even had the nerve to walk over to a she- elf who didn't take her eyes off of her when she yelled and actually tackled her on the floor and began pulling her hair. "That's what you get you stupid elf for messing with ME!"  
  
The she-elf began screaming loudly and luckily, Elrond and Legolas came just in time to pull Melda off her. The she-elf began yelling loudly as she picked up big wads of golden hair that was ripped off her head. "Send that crazy woman to the dungeons! She is evil!" Melda smiled. "Been there done that!"  
  
"Hang her for this, Lord Elrond!"  
  
The three hurried away from the scene.  
  
"Why did you do that!?" Elrond said fiercely.  
  
"Cause she wouldn't stop staring at me!" Melda said.  
  
"That is no particular reason for you to attack her, my lady!" Elrond said in the same tone.  
  
Melda smiled that sweet smile again which Legolas now confirmed as 'pure evilness' and said. "I'm sowy."  
  
Elrond sighed. "Just don't do that again."  
  
"Ok, Ok. Keep your wig on!"  
  
He stared at her strangely and Legolas rolled his eyes. They walked for while in silence and Melda felt weaker as she walked. 'Need.food.' She thought. 'Argh! When are we gonna get there! I wonder if they make cakes here? Damn, I wanted to tell Sana that I caught Jeff and Diana making out in the teacher's lounge when the teachers weren't there! Oh crap! I forgot I had a date with Justin on Saturday!! Mmm...muffins.' It was perfectly normal for Melda's thoughts to change abruptly. But don't worry, she's sane. Even though the voices in her head sometimes spoke Japanese and she had no idea what they were saying.  
  
"What is your name again?" Elrond said abruptly that it made her jump up and shriek in fright.  
  
"Oh um, it's Melda Delaquela."  
  
"Daughter of?" He asked.  
  
"Sauron." She said again without thinking.  
  
Elrond and Legolas both looked at her with shocked expressions. "I TOLD YOU LORD ELROND! SHE IS FROM MORDOR! AND NOT ONLY THAT, BUT SHE'S SAURON'S DAUGHTER TOO!"  
  
"No sir! I was only joking!" Melda said desperately. 'Crap! Why does everything bad have to happen to me??'  
  
"We shall confirm it back in the dungeons!" Said Elrond as he and Legolas dragged her back from where they came, kicking and screaming like a mental person.  
  
Suddenly, Melda fainted. Because she wasted all her energy and she didn't eat in a long time. 


	7. The Descision Dun dun duuuuuuun!

Disclaimer: You still don't believe me? I don't own Lord of the Rings. Tolkien does. Although I DO own Orlando Bloom! (Mwhahahaha...) If you look at his butt(o.O), you will see huge tattoo letters saying 'PROPERTY OF AnGeLiC dEvIl, DO NOT TOUCH!!' Ok fine, if you're smart, you would have known I was lying. Ok you know what? I'll shut up now. Anonymous reviewer: THANK YOU!  
  
Whatever..what I meant is that I DON'T OWN IT!! *turns back to the FBI* Ok, now that I admit I don't own it, can I have my pizza that you own me? *FBI shake their head* ...aww..Oh well...HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY-OR WEEKEND, whichever! I'm glad it's over..  
  
CHAPTER SEVEN -  
  
"Mmm..." Melda moaned, waking up. She was lying in the comfiest bed she's ever been in. 'Good.' She thought. 'So it all HAD been a dream.'  
  
"Welcome to Rivendell." Said someone. "I am sorry you have not had a proper introduction."  
  
Melda screamed in rage and threw her hands up in the air, accidentally punching some one in the face. She threw the covers off and saw that she was wearing a low-cut nightgown. She stared at the person, or was it PEOPLE in the room with a bleary vision. "Ok, which one of you perverts undressed me and made me wear this frilly thing!?"  
  
"None of us undressed you my lady, except for the maid outside who wanted to wash your strange garments." Said the voice that sounded like Elrond. Melda growled and slumped back on the bed.  
  
"Legolas and I apologize for our misunderstanding." Elrond said.  
  
"Who ever said that I apologize? Innocent girl or not, she was rude to me!" Legolas said. Great? He's in the room too?  
  
"While your unexpected black out, I reached into your mind and discovered that you do not come from Mordor. Or in fact, have any links to Middle- earth itself! You come from a whole different world and you have many different cultures." Said the person she vaguely recognized. She heard him shudder.  
  
Melda rubbed her eyes and saw that it was Gandalf! "FINALLY I GET TO CHOKE YOU!!" She said as she lunged at him. Gandalf let out a girly shriek and before Melda was able to get anywhere near him, she was caught by something else. "Argh!! LET GO OF ME!!"  
  
The man threw her on the bed and then threw her back on it again when she tried to get up. They repeated the same scene at least 7 times when Elrond finally decided to tie her to the bed.  
  
Melda now seeing clearly, saw that it was Aragorn who stopped her from attacking Gandalf. "I had the feeling she was gonna do so..." He muttered.  
  
She saw that Merry and Pippin were there too (Sam was with Frodo). "HEY GREAT! WHY NOT JUST INVITE THE WHOLE FELLOWSHIP AND MAKE A PARTY!?!" She yelled sarcastically as Elrond and Legolas fiddled with their ears.  
  
"My lady, you do not have to yell. We have fairly good hearing." Said Elrond.  
  
"Not when I rip them off!" Melda said gritting her teeth.  
  
"She is one vicious girl. I have never seen anything like her." Legolas said. "Yeah, I bite elves too!" Melda smiled evilly.  
  
The two elves stepped back and Melda rolled her eyes. "You're so stupidly gullible."  
  
Aragorn cleared his throat. "Let us go back to the subject."  
  
"How do you know so much about the happenings around here?" Asked Gandalf feeling safer now that she was tied to the bed.  
  
"Hmm...let me see." She thought aloud sarcastically. " Obsessed friends, obsessed teachers, forced to read the book, forced to watch the movie--- yep, I think that's how I came to know you."  
  
"So you will know what will happen to us? Your clairvoyant?" Asked Gandalf.  
  
"Yep and that's for me to know, and for you to find out what will happen." She answered simply.  
  
"Alright then,  
  
tell me what you know about me." Legolas said suspiciously. "Well I know you lost your virginity at 14 and got a tattoo at 15.. Oh no wait, that's Orlando Bloom." Melda said. "Oh! That you and Aragorn share a secret intimate relationship."  
  
Legolas and Aragorn looked at each other and then backed away in disgust. "I do NOT share a secret relationship with LEGOLAS! I already have a lover, and that's Arwen and only her!"  
  
Melda sighed. "Slash fics, you just gotta love how it embarrasses them."  
  
The people looked at each other, having no idea what she meant and Elrond decided to change the subject. "Lady Melda, I am afraid that your knowledge of the ring and us is a danger to Rivendell."  
  
"Yeah, so? I wanna go home stupid! I came here so that HE could bring me back!" She said nodding angrily at Gandalf.  
  
"What do I look like to you? A God!? I am not able to play and meddle with time and space!" Gandalf retorted.  
  
"So it wasn't you who did this?" Melda said, and when he shook his head, she yelled even louder in rage.  
  
"I suggest that you leave with the fellowship tomorrow for safety. And who knows? You can perhaps give them a hand in their quest to make it easier for them." Said Elrond stiffly.  
  
Aragorn, Legolas and Melda looked at him in utter shock. "SURELY you must be joking!" Melda said unbelievably.  
  
"No. I am not." Elrond said firmly. "And don't call me Shirley."  
  
"What??"  
  
*~*~*  
  
Later that day, Melda was fed and now she was in Elrond's chambers with Gandalf near him, in her gym clothes.  
  
"Plllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllleeeeeeease don't let me gooooooooooooooooo!!!" She wailed, clinging to his right foot like a little girl.  
  
Elrond heaved himself to the other side of the room with Melda being dragged along. "You...have to go! You are a threat to...ghaa! RIVENDELL!!" He said struggling.  
  
"What's the poooooooooooint?!? All I wanted was to go home! And I end up being like a MARY-SUE!!?? Is going home too much to ask?!"  
  
"Helping ....the fellowship on their quest isn't the only reason I'm sending you,--- let GO OF ME!!--- it is because they are passing by Lothlorien forest, and I am guessing Lady Galadriel will be able to help you." Said Elrond.  
  
"Send me with someone else! ANY ONE!! Anyone but them!!" Melda began crying uncontrollably.  
  
Elrond got to his knees so that he was head-to-head with her (well...sort of). "I am sorry Lady Melda. There is nothing I can do. The fellowship is the only people to be on the way to Lothlorien forest at this time. No other person wants to leave Rivendell while orcs are roaming around."  
  
"Or course! You don't wanna leave because you stupid elves are scared that you would mess your hair up or--- or--- or you're too afraid to get your nails broken!"  
  
Elrond looked at Gandalf and the wizard appeared to be amused. 'Stupid wizard, not even bothering to help me', he thought and tried to talk to Melda comfortingly. " Listen me Lady, elves aren't all like that. We fought in the Great War 3000 years ago. Not all elves care about their looks-oh darn! My hairpin just fell out!--the point is, do not think that. We are all different."  
  
"But-"  
  
"MELDA! You WILL go with the fellowship up to Lothlorien to were Galadriel will help you get back home!" Elrond yelled firmly, which meant the end of conversation. "Have I made myself CLEAR!?"  
  
Melda nodded silently.  
  
"Now go to your room and do Gods know what for until we call you again, alright?" Melda nodded hastily and ran out of the room. Geez that guy is scary when he's mad!  
  
As she walked out of the room, she heard him yell over. "And would you mind putting on some less revealing clothes for the sake of virgin eyes!"  
  
Melda looked at her black tank top and her short white shorts as an elf maid beside her giggled.  
  
"What!?" She snapped.  
  
*~*  
  
The elf maid led her to her own chamber, which was MUCH further from Elrond's (thank God!) and Melda entered it, plopping on the soft bed right after shutting the door in the maid's face.  
  
She didn't feel like admiring the room's beauty. 'Stupid elves, always wanna make the perfect impression in front of guests.' She kept on thinking.  
  
Melda slowly drifted into sleep, wishing for the 456th time that she would wake up in her real home, and that this could all be a dumb dream.  
  
Two hours later, Melda woke up to the sounds of the beautiful birds of Rivendell chirp. She frowned and stretched. What time was it? 'Probably noon.' She thought.  
  
She slowly got up as tiny birds fluttered down her windowsill. She felt just like Snow-white, which slightly annoyed her. The birds flew away as she came to the open window. Melda breathed the fresh October air, picked up one of her shoes and through it out the window into the trees, causing the birds to fly out of it alarmed. "SHUT UP, YA STUPID BIRDS!!!"  
  
The garden grew silent and the elves that roamed in it looked at her in shock and amazement. Hot could someone hate such a beautiful sound???  
  
Melda headed back to her bed to finish her nap just when the birds began singing again...louder. (A/n: I hate it when birds do that! (-;) She ran back, picked up her other shoe and threw it again at the trees. "DON'T YOU EVER MIGRATE!?!?!?!?! IT'S OCTOBER!!" She yelled loudly, waving her hands in the air. "SHOO! BEGONE! LEEEEEEEEEEEAVE DAMMIT!! What the HELL are YOU looking at?!" She also yelled at the elves.  
  
When she didn't succeed, she shut the window, closed the curtains and buried her heard under the pillow, ignoring the looks the elves gave her from outside. 


	8. Hairy legs! Aaaaaaaaaah! Spider!

Hey Thank you so much for reviewing ppl! So far, so good! I luv u all!!  
  
Zainab: Thanks! Me? Amazing writing talents? *cracks up with laughter* Yeah, and I HOPE I publish my other story. Bet I'll be 35 when I finish writing it! I'm soo lazy.  
  
Lulu Bell: You don't like my story?? ;_;... But you find it so funny? I was thinking about this all yesterday. How can someone not like a story but find it hilarious?? Aren't they supposed to like it then? Ow, my brain hurts! Anyways, I respect your comment, I'm not gonna complain!  
  
Imbefaniel: Hey look! I can spell your name without checking back in the other screen if I got it right! Anyways, what you said better be a sarcasm remark! Hehe!  
  
Hikki: Thanks! Here's an update! Hope u like it.  
  
SiMpLy_Me: Thanks! Read on to find out!  
  
Elwen the silver elf: Thanks!  
  
Anyways, thanks for the other reviewers too! *tries to bow, but falls flat on her face*  
  
*~*  
  
A/n: So here's Chapter 8! I'm not really happy with this one. Hope you don't find it stupid. It's gonna get better next....I hope. I'm writing chapter 9 right now!  
  
*~*  
  
CHAPTER EIGHT-  
  
A couple of hours later, someone was knocking on the door. "Don't come in." Melda mumbled but the person did anyway. There were at least 3 maids rushing to her bed. "My lady, it is the evening!"  
  
"Yeah, so?"  
  
"You do not want to miss supper do you? We are having a feast dedicated to the Ring-bearer of the shire." Said a maid with black long perfectly wavy shiny hair.  
  
Melda sprinted out of bed. "Lets movie, or lose it!" But they just pulled her back on the bed. "Oh, you are not going like this."  
  
"What's wrong with that?" She said looking at her nightgown. Melda was allowed to walk around her house in her PJ's back at home. Mostly cuz she has breakfast at 4pm on weekends.  
  
"In your nightgown?? No, no, no." Said another maid with blonde waist length hair; perfect, straight and shiny I might add. " Look at your hair- it is too oily and so is your face. You smell of horse and your legs are as hairy as a man's."  
  
"EXCUSE me? I'm sorry if I'm not as perfect as you!!"  
  
"Well then you shall be!" Said the third elf with dark red hair. And yes, it was long, perfect, shiny and curly. Geez, even the maids looked prettier!  
  
"How bout NO!" Said Melda imitating Dr. Evil from Austin Powers 3.  
  
"Nonsense!" Was all Melda could hear before she was pulled out of bed and was forced on a seat. The maids pulled out some elf-wax and tweezers out of the drawers. The Blondie did her legs, the black-haired elf tweezed her eyebrows, the redhead was picking out a dress for her and Melda was screaming her lungs off. She doesn't wax, she usually shaves.  
  
"This is ABUSE!! Let me GO!!! I'm going to call the Elven authorities!" She yelled and the elves had no choice but to tie her to the chair.  
  
They were done in about amazingly 10 minutes due to Melda who was about to burst their eardrums. They untied her and left her with a hot bath waiting and a bottle with liquid that they said she should put on her legs after the bath, to stop hair from growing for a while.  
  
Melda whimpered and rubbed the painful red legs. "Oww..I hate elves."  
  
She had no choice but to take a bath. 'Hey they're right. I DO smell like horses.' She thought. 'That's not fair. Legolas spent more time with his stupid horse and he still smells like his Lavender mist." Melda giggled at the last thought as she took off her clothes and slipped in the bathtub.  
  
If it weren't for her burning legs, she would have called that taking a bath was the best feeling she had had all day. She sighed and smelled the rose body gel glass bottle that was lying on the bathtub's edge. She then took another bottle and saw that it was labeled ' Elven Essences '. "Oh, why am I not surprised?" She thought out loud. She opened it and put some on her head lathered it. It smelled like some sort of a plant she didn't recognize, but all the same, it smelled really good.  
  
"Yes, yes, yes YES!!" She yelled, imitating the commercial. Then she began singing the first song that came to her mind.  
  
'Stop right now! Thank you very much! I need somebody with a human touch! Hey you! Always on the run! Gotta slow it down baby, gotta have some fun!!'  
  
Just then somebody knocked on the door but Melda couldn't hear him over her loud excessive Spice girls' singing. Aragorn came in and his attention immediately rushed to a loud voice behind him. There he saw Melda, in a bathtub, covered in white foam and singing.  
  
His jaw dropped and restrained himself from screaming. Not that Melda was ugly or anything, it was because she was NAKED and she was SINGING. Melda abruptly stopped and saw him looking at her. Or actually, staring.  
  
"PERVERT!!" She screamed and picked up a bottle full of hot bath stones and threw it at him. To both their surprise, it hit him right in his erm...flower and he doubled in pain. "GET OUT!!"  
  
He immediately obeyed her and ran out of the room as fast as his trembling legs could carry him and slammed the door hard.  
  
Melda sighed again and sank in the water. "I hate my life.Oh well. at least in wasn't Gimli."  
  
She decided to finish her bath fast before anyone else could enter her room without her knowing. Especially Legolas.  
  
She put on the dress the redhead elf laid for her on the bed and it was all itchy and frilly. Ok maybe it wasn't all that frilly, it was emerald-ish and embroidered with beads of all sorts of green. It wasn't ugly. It was actually, Melda forced herself to admit, pretty. 'Oh well. It brings out my eyes.' She thought helplessly. It was low-cut from the front. Tight from the arms but opened really wide and long from the elbow that the fabric reached up to her hidden knees. It was open from the back and laced. There were also gold trimmings on the edges almost everywhere. 'Ok fine, it looked really nice. The elves have some style.' She thought. 'But not Legging-lass. He prefers to wear those tight leggings so that he can show- off his oh-their-so-pretty-even-prettier-than-a-girl's legs. Ok, ok. Maybe not. That's the style for men at this time of age, but still.'  
  
Melda balled her hands at the thought of Legolas. 'Oh he's gonna pay for throwing me in the dungeons..'  
  
Just then the door opened AGAIN and Melda picked up a hairbrush and pointed it defensively at the intruder. It was the 3 maids again. "Oh good. You are done." Said the blonde one as she took the hairbrush from her. They pulled her back on a chair and began fixing her hair.  
  
Maybe it was something in the shampoo, but her hair dried up so fast even though it was almost waist length. The maids made it straight and tied it only when it was almost at the end.  
  
They also gave her some weird red lipstick to put on. Nothing else. No blush. No mascara. No eyeliner. Stupid elves. They don't NEED all these stuff...they're NATURALLY PRETTY!!!  
  
Ahem..anyways, after that, they left her there in her room admiring herself. Just then another knock came at the door. Melda jumped in rage. "One more knock out of you, and I'll brake my mirror at your head!"  
  
"My lady? Do you not want to be escorted to the feast?" Came a voice. Melda jumped off the chair and ran to open the door happily and just when she did so, she let out a shriek. It was Aragorn.  
  
That perverted Aragorn...  
  
*~*  
  
Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! This is my worst chapter yet! I don't like it! But that won't stop you from reviewing, would it?? Hehe...*wink, wink* Was that a cliffhanger that I left? I dunno. 


	9. Feasting and dirty dancing!

Disclaimer: ...Back in my old days, we used to own whatever we wanted! I used to own my own socks, thank goodness for that because my friend had to rent hers from the carpenter's store. We used to get hit with a cane every time we did something bad, like smile at a boy, that the jungle next to us disappeared from the excessive orderings of canes from schools...for lunch, we had carrots, and other days we had some more carrots. One boy once turned purple from how much orange (...or was it purple?) carrots he ate, that we had to send him to the dermatologist. But the dermatologist kicked us out because the boy didn't have any pimples. Anyways, this is just to tell you that I once owned Lord of the Rings in my old days, but the FBI took it away from me. As well as my room, my money...and even my own socks... *sob*  
  
CHAPTER NINE--- (Ooooooh, one of my lucky numbers! Let's hope u like this chappy!)  
  
WOW! A new chapter ALREADY?!?? AnGeLiC dEvIl is amazing! The day after the other, she posts a new one?! Wow! Common people, join me! It's fun!  
  
Ahem...  
  
I'm hyper...  
  
Need I say more?  
  
I love Craig Parker (Haldir)!!  
  
*~*  
  
Aragorn laughed and they both walked down the hall. Melda kept tripping on her dress and Aragorn almost fell because of her, but they finally managed to get to the dining tables. As they climbed down the stairs, people's faces turned to them. Melda felt completely uncomfortable from all those eyes...just staring at her. She also spotted the she-elf who she attacked and smiled evilly.  
  
"Come. You are invited to the main table." Said Aragorn then he muttered. "Despite everything you did..."  
  
Melda decided to ignore that last remark; she had heard him. She sat on a seat next to Aragorn and Frodo. "Hey Frodo ol' boy!"  
  
Frodo looked at her and smiled. "Have we met?"  
  
"No." Melda said simply. "So do tell me...do you like your fingers?" He then looked at her strangely. "What kind of a question is that?"  
  
"Well I was just wondering, because one of your fingers is gonna end up-- ah! Ah! Aaaaahhh!" Cried Melda as Aragorn twisted her wrist.  
  
"You will control your tongue this time. I do not want you to scare away anybody else." He whispered to her.  
  
"Ok! Ok!" She said gritting her teeth. "Jeebus! That hurt you know!" She began rubbing her wrist and then spotted Arwen coming to the table all lady- like.  
  
She sat beside her father, facing Aragorn. Melda smiled another evil smile. Hey, if she was in middle-earth-the one place she hated most--- why not have fun while you're still around? So she turned to Arwen and said sweetly. "Hello. My name is Melda. You must be Arwen Evenstar."  
  
"Yes, I am. I am pleased to meet you." Arwen said and Melda restrained herself from kicking the elf in the legs under the table. She hated polite people. And being a polite elf made it even worst.  
  
"Lord Aragorn has told me so much about you." She continued, forcing a smile. "He's such a sweet man, you know." Aragorn looked at her with wide eyes. 'Where is this conversation going? She obviously has something up her sleeve.' He thought.  
  
"Yes he is. We were introduced to each other by my father, Lord Elrond." Arwen said her smile still fixed on her face.  
  
"And speaking of Aragorn," Melda continued on, as if Arwen didn't even say a word. "this evening, he came on me while taking my bath. I was frightened but he reassured me that he did not mean to come in purposely and then offered to help bathe me as an apology. Of course, I didn't refuse--I mean he's a great scrubber, you know."  
  
Aragorn spat his water in shock and stared at her. He was about to choke her just when Arwen began yelling at him in Elvish. And Elrond, hearing the conversation, got pissed off at Aragorn thinking it's true and began, swearing so loud in Elvish and in English that it just didn't make sense anymore. Poor Aragorn was left there to explain to them about what really happened while Melda laughed her head off. Elves were so gullible!!  
  
Then she was forced to tell what really happened and it ruined all the fun. Elrond calmed down but his face was still purple and Arwen was giving Melda dirty looks the whole time.  
  
"I don't like her." She said to Aragorn in Elvish.  
  
"Believe me, I do not either." He said replying in Elvish. "I cannot believe your father is making her join the fellowship. I do wish he will reconsider his choice by next morning."  
  
"Nothing better happen between you and her when you leave." Arwen warned. " I shall tell my animal friends to keep an eye on you."  
  
An elf named Glorfindel overheard them, cleared his throat and decided to change the subject. "Uh...so Lady Melda. Are you related to any particular race of elf?"  
  
"No I don't--- THANK GOD." Melda said sipping loudly at her soup in a very rude way then she turned to him. "Why?"  
  
"You look like an elf. A beautiful one that is."  
  
Is he flirting??  
  
"But 'tis a strange combination. Your skin is a color like the sand of the sea, like the Sylvan elves (wood elves), yet your hair is as white as a Drow's (dark elf). Your eyes seem to do with Sylvan elves too, green as summer leaves. Do tell me if one of your parents were some type of elf."  
  
"Ah, what if she is a different type of Drow we have not yet come to know of?" Said another elf, with a long face, long brown hair and blue eyes.  
  
"STOP IT! I'M NOT RELATED TO ANY ELF! I'M PURE HUMAN, THANK GOD! THIS ISN'T MY REAL HAIR COLOR, IT'S BROWN BUT I COLORED IT, OK!??!?!" Melda yelled.  
  
The elves around the table fiddled with their ears and others on tables far away even heard her.  
  
"She hasn't changed a bit has she?" Sam asked Aragorn and the Ranger shook his head sadly.  
  
"Why is she yelling like this? Does she not know we hear perfectly well?" Arwen said, feeling annoyed.  
  
"We tried telling her that, but she does not listen. She says she wants to rip them off." Legolas said.  
  
The elves around her gasped and began talking in Elvish. Melda slumped in her seat and finished eating, sipped the wine they put for her and she got up just when she was pulled back. "Why do you leave so early, miss?"  
  
It was Frodo. Aww... he looked cute with those huge blue questioning eyes.  
  
"Eh...I wanna go back to my room. I don't wanna be around drunk elves."  
  
"But it is rude to leave the table while everyone is still sitting down. You must not leave or you will miss the singing." He said.  
  
"Singing? OH HELL, I'M GETTING OUTTA HERE!" She said as she started pulling away, just then, she was caught by Aragorn.  
  
"Don't you ever have anything better else to do, dammit?" She said.  
  
"You will not leave now. You have offended the elves tonight, you might as well show them a little bit of respect by staying for a while and join the singing later?" He whispered angrily.  
  
"Why am I starting to feel like everyone's controlling my life these days?" Growled Melda as she went back to her seat.  
  
She sat silently for the rest of the evening. The elf with the long face kept shooting quick glances at her now and then, but she tried to hold herself from ripping his hair off. She tried to be nice this evening... only because elves had good food.  
  
After that, they all got up and went to a room where an Elvish hymn was playing softly. The elves sang along and Melda hit her head again and again on the table, though they didn't do anything to stop her. It actually made a good beat for the song.  
  
Melda hated all that lovey-dovey, perfectly composed music. 'Don't they ever do anything wrong?!?' She thought.  
  
Just then, the song ended. One of the elves stood beside her, "Why not let this beautiful Lady sing to us? She says she comes from kaa...kana.da." He had trouble saying Canada. "Then let us hear the music of her culture. I am sure her voice is as excellent as her looks."  
  
Melda growled at him and he stepped back a little.  
  
"No trust me. You do NOT want to hear her sing." Said Sam with wide eyes. "Nor dance."  
  
"Yeah, what the fat little guy said." Agreed Melda for the first time.  
  
"Come now! Do not be shy!" The elf said.  
  
Aragorn, Sam, Merry and Pippin sat there begging for the elf to change his mind. But then he pulled her off the chair and she was in the center of the room and in the center of attention.  
  
Melda sighed and sang the first song that came to her mind; "Dirrty" By Christina Aguilera. And maybe it was the wine that made her do so, but she added some moves with it...moves like the ones from the video-clip.  
  
When she was done, she threw her hands up in the air dramatically, making her look extremely stupid. There were some scattered unsure clapping from here and there and some of the elves just stared at her with dropped jaws, mostly the males.  
  
"Uh....whatever. I'm going to sleep." She said as she waved a hand lazily and stumbled out the door.  
  
No one tried to stop her. As Melda walked down the hallway, having no idea where she was going, she felt someone following her.  
  
"My lady?"  
  
She turned around and saw an elf-guy. He had long straight blond hair and really green eyes.  
  
"What?" Asked Melda uncomfortably. 


	10. We're all gonna die

Disclaimer: 'I am beautiful, no matter what they say. 'Cause words can't bring me down. I am beautiful in every single way, yes words don't bring me down. Oooh so don't you bring me down today.' But what Christina REALLY means. 'I am gorgeous and I have the perfect body--- haha. You don't--- and I'm not afraid to show it. I'm a slut in every single way, and I'm proud to be one. So don't you bring me down because me and ma slut friends will bring even more down--- so down, that you'll reach China.' I just HAD to say that. Anyways, I don't own Lord of the Rings (awww...) and I don't own Christina Aguilera (THANK GOD),  
  
*~*  
  
CHAPTER TEN-  
  
"Saesa omentien lle, nin arwen (It's a pleasure meeting you, my lady.)" Said the elf kissing her hand. "My name is Anune."  
  
"What do you want?" Melda asked rudely, wanting to go to sleep as fast as she can find her room.  
  
Anune looked at her for a moment. "Your dance...it intrigued me. It seemed very remarkable--never have seen anything like it."  
  
"Ya well, next time I ain't doing it fo' free, ya know, ya." Melda started walking again.  
  
Anune didn't understand her because some lack of vocabulary and continued. "What do you call it?"  
  
"Dirty dancin' "  
  
"And what do you call the song?"  
  
"Dirrty."  
  
"How strange." He said. Man! That guy seemed interested! "Do all the people from your country do...dirty dancing?"  
  
"Yes and no. Anymore questions, Mr. Nosey?" Melda asked sarcastically. Ok, maybe it was a lame joke, but what can you do? She's half drunk, half asleep. She started walking again but Anune held her back by her arm.  
  
"Why do you flee from me so?" He asked innocently.  
  
Melda growled and bit his hand. Anune yelled in pain and let go of her. He stared at her in amazement as she ran as far away from him as possible.  
  
She was able to find a maid and she took her to her room. The maid obviously seemed scared of her, probably because she's heard the attack of the she-elf.  
  
Melda slumped on the bed and immediately fell asleep in her dress.  
  
*~*  
  
"My lady! My lady! OPEN THE DOOR!!"  
  
"GO AWAY! I told you already, I'M IN LOVE WITH BRAD PITT, NOT BEN AFFLECK (hehe...Shirel!) !!!!"  
  
"Is she mad even in her sleep?" She heard a woman say.  
  
Melda opened her eyes and saw the blonde elf that did her legs the other night. She fell off her bed and yelled. "Oh God! NOT YOU!! My legs are hairless! I SWEAR!! I DID put on the liquid you gave me! I swear! I swear!"  
  
"I am sure you did." The elf said smiling as she helped Melda up. " The counsel has been waiting for you for the past hour and a half! They are growing weary."  
  
"What counsel??"  
  
"ELROND'S counsel." Said the other elf, the one with the black hair. She was there too. "Do not tell me you forgot about that?"  
  
"How bout if I tell you that I'm not going!" Melda yelled, scratching the itchy dress.  
  
"My lady, do not start." The Blondie said rolling her eyes. "We laid out a dress for you and I trust that you will go to the counsel."  
  
"NO!"  
  
"YES!"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"YES!"  
  
"I DON'T WANNA WEAR THAT UGLY THING!"  
  
"YES YOU WILL!"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"YES!" The elves said in unison.  
  
"NO WAY!"  
  
"YES WAY!" (This is a waste of page isn't it?)  
  
"Ok fine I'll make you a deal. I'll go to the counsel, but I won't wear that--that--THING!"  
  
The black haired elf huffed. "FINE! Go NAKED!"  
  
"ALRIGHT I WILL!"  
  
The elves gasped. And Melda chased them out of the room by threatening to kill them with a hairpin.  
  
She shut the door and put on her gym clothes. She was thinking about running away, so she opened the windows to climb down but then saw elves pointing at her and saying something to each other...and more birds singing.  
  
"Ok...skip that." She had no choice but to go. So she went out the doors.  
  
"Well she almost looks naked." The Blondie whispered to the other elf in Elvish as they headed for the counsel.  
  
"I swear if I find out what you're saying to her, I'll rip your perty hair off you know." Melda threatened and the blonde held her own hair defensively.  
  
*~*  
  
The two elves left her to get to the counsel alone after she stepped out doors. Melda was able to find her way from the voices coming from the counsel. They seemed to be playing poker in waiting.  
  
As she came, everyone's attention turned to her and an elf in brown hair (Melda supposed was the Figwit guy) screamed out horrifyingly, trying to cover his eyes with his hands. "AHHH TAKE HER AWAY!! WHAT IS SHE WEARING!!?? THIS IS MORE THAN I ALLOW MY WIFE TO WEAR!! MAKE HER CHANGE!! I CAN'T LOOK AT HER LIKE THAT!! I'M MARRIED!!"  
  
"Oh get a life!" Melda said as she took an empty seat next to the scared elf, just to annoy him.  
  
Elrond rolled his eyes. "You have finally come. Alright then, Friends of old, strangers of distant lands, you have been summoned to answer to the threat of Mordor. Frodo, bring forth the ring."  
  
Frodo stood up and placed the ring on the tiny pillar thingamajig--- whatever you call it. Boromir looked at it desirely (is that even a word??) and began to talk. "It is a gift, why not use this ring? Give Gondor the weapon of the enemy! Let us use it against him!"  
  
Just before Aragorn was able to talk Melda said his line sounding very much like a robot. "You cannot use this ring, none of us can. The ring answers to Sauron alone. It has no other master..."  
  
Boromir looked at her and scoffed. "And what would a mere lady know of this matter?"  
  
Melda jumped out of her seat and put her hands on her hips looking like Superman. "I am no mere Lady! I am Melda Delaquela! Daughter of Sierra and Jonathan Delaquela, faller of the sky! Child of the future--oh and he's Aragorn." She added pointing at him, trying to stick to the script.  
  
Aragorn rolled his eyes, "Havo dad, Melda."  
  
"EXCUSE ME?? Are you telling me to have a dad?!? Didn't I just tell you that my dad is Jonathan?! Seriously, how about have a life!?" Melda yelled clearly over-reacting.  
  
"Melda, havo dad means 'Sit down'. Please learn to control your temper." Elrond said, feeling annoyed of her already.  
  
"Oh..." Melda said sitting down as the (MARRIED) elf next to her shifted uncomfortably and looked at her legs. "I knew that!"  
  
She flashed a sexy smile, winked and fluttered her eyelashes just do annoy him. Boromir then spoke his lines about Gondor needing no king (because he found out who Aragorn was) and sat back down.  
  
Then they began to talk about their life story and how the ring came to earth and what happened to it. Everyone was on the edge of his or her seat in excitement, wanting to know more except for Melda who was slowly sinking into her seat and dying of boredom. 'Why couldn't they stick to the movie script instead? Does it have to be that stupid book version??' Melda thought. 'Oh God! WHY ARE YOU TORTURING ME LIKE THIS!?!'  
  
She decided to distract herself by annoying Figwit (Who is MARRIED...we shan't forget that shall we...??). So she put her hand on his, licked her lips, brushed her bare legs against his--- anything that would make a married man uncomfortable. And Figwit was desperately restraining from screaming. Just then something else distracted Melda, they were now talking about what to do with the ring.  
  
'All ready finished with their life story? Wow, time sure passes fast when your having fun!'  
  
Melda got up. "Have you heard nothing I said!? THE RRRRRING MUST BE DESTROYED!!!" She yelled, rolling her 'r' like Legolas did in the movie. And speaking of Legolas, he looked at her strangely. She just said what he wanted to say.  
  
"I suppose you're the one to take it??! I will be DEAD, before I see the RING in the hands of a MELDA!" A black-haired elf said instead of Gimli.  
  
"THAT CAN BE ARRANGED!" Melda yelled as she lunged at him, but Gandalf and Elrond held her back. "I'll kill you! I'll kill you!! DIE! DIE! DIE!"  
  
People got up and began arguing and the elf just scoffed. "Elves cannot die! They're immortal!"  
  
"OH YEAH!? How come HALDIR DOES??!!"  
  
The council looked at her silently. "Haldir dies? How do you know Haldir?" Glorfindel asked.  
  
Melda was about to open her mouth to speak when she heard a voice interrupting. "I will take it! I will take the ring! ...Though, I do not know the way."  
  
Everyone immediately forgot about Melda and looked kindly at Frodo and began paying him more attention (which made her very jealous). "I will help you bear this burden, Frodo Baggins, as long as it's yours to bear." Gandalf said walking next to him.  
  
Then Aragorn came, "By my life of death, I will help you. You have my sword."  
  
"And you have my bow!" Legolas said swiftly getting of his seat.  
  
"AND MY AXE!!" Gimli roared, ruining the decent scene.  
  
Boromir got up and walked up to them, "You hold the fate of us all, little one."  
  
Then Elrond looked at Melda expectantly and she sighed, "OK! OK! You have my...er...my..."  
  
"Blabbermouth." Aragorn said without thinking.  
  
Melda heard him and was about to say something back but Elrond hurriedly pushed her with the others saying, "That will do for her!"  
  
Then Sam came out of the bushes. "Hey! Mr. Frodo is going no where without me!"  
  
"No it is hardly possible to separate you too, even when he is summoned to a secret counsel and you're not." Elrond said.  
  
"Yeah, you'll never know who's gonna win his heart on the journey so Sammy- kins wants to make sure Frodo's all his." Melda said mockingly.  
  
Merry and Pippin came out of their hiding place and stood with the not-yet- declared-fellowship. "Yeah you'll have to send us back home tied up in a sack!"  
  
"Besides you need people of intelligence for this quest...mission...thing." Pippin said.  
  
"Well that rules you out Pip." Merry said.  
  
"Ten companions...we shall be the fellowship of the ring." Melda said instead.  
  
"I SAY THAT!" Elrond yelled then he cleared his throat. "Very well...ten companions. You shall be the Fellowship, of the Ring!"  
  
"Great." Pippin said. "Where are we going?"  
  
"Yippee." Melda mumbled sarcastically. "We're all gonna die..."  
  
*~*  
  
Hope you like this chappy! I didn't fink it was all that bad myself. I mean hey! I'm sittin' here writing this when I'm supposed to do my 7 pages long math homework! This isn't fair! I have 2 projects to do in the spring break AND exam showers when we get back. I WANNA GO ON STRIKE!!  
  
*~*  
  
Surfer-Gurl: Favorites? Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!! But I didn't see your name when I checked on the stats file. ;_;. Did u forget to click on the Favorite story button?? Lolz, sorry! Thnx for luvin' my story!  
  
Lulu Bell: Ooooooooooooooooh! That explains everything!! Lol, one of my friends said the same thing. It's not her type but she likes it. She says my stories are addictive! Me proud! Anyways, maybe I should dye my hair blond too. It would really reflect my stupidity. See? I'm even stupid just ADMITING that I'm stupid! Lol!  
  
Yellow Drake X: Really? Wow, that line did? Hey thanx! I really think Melda's I little out of it. Lol! Thnx for your review!  
  
Ana: Thanx!  
  
Arwen: Thankies!  
  
Shirel: Thanx! But this to be directed...? Haha...I think not! It's just a fic but hey! I don't mind that idea!  
  
Culdil: Thankies! And I will make sure! ;-)....I think...I hope!  
  
Evil Aryante: Hehe! Watch out desk! Oh and I THINK of thanking you because the last time I thanked out loud, I broke my computer screen! Wait a minute...that doesn't make sense!  
  
Imbefaniel: Lol ya. My friend thinks she's a little too crazy. And I can't WAIT till they get to the mines of Moria or when they're fighting the Uruk- hai!  
  
Cassie-bear01: Hehe thanx! I downloaded the song and I'm already getting sick of it!  
  
*~*  
  
I ORDER you to review! Na I'm just kidding! I ASK you to review! Pweaze! Oh and check out my other fic, 'Elven boi, and other songs!' 


	11. Hollin, what a wonderfull place to be wi...

Hey everybody!! I'm bbbbbbbbbaaaaaaack! And it's spring break!! Whoo-hoo!! *starts dancing madly* Although I forgot to chant my Spring break song before I skipped school. Ow, my feet hurt. I walked around the shopping mall for so long...OW!! Anyways, the reason I didn't touch this document for almost a week (well that wasn't a really long time, was it??) was because I had to read the book to find out what really happens when they leave. Nothing special though. It's all in the movie I guess. Peter Jackson didn't lie. The book was pretty good although I *coughcough* skipped *coughcough* two chapters! Because it was endless and boring. The Tom Bombadil and the Council part. Yes I know that was wrong, but still! I'll read it later. Anyways...  
  
'Oh my God she's back again! To the reviewers and commentators everybody sing! Gonna bring the flavor, she'll show how. Gonna leave a review and she'll answer now! Yeah, yeah! Is she original? YEAH!! Is she the only one? NOO! (there's many AnGeLiC dEvIl's around...) Is she sexual?? ...Maaaaay- be! Is this story everything you need? Then review back right now! Everybody, yeah! Yeeeeeeeah! Rock you're body, yeah! Yeaaaah! Everybody yeah, rock your body right! Angil's back ALRIGHT!'  
  
...Wow...I scared you didn't I? Remind me to never do that again... Yikes...  
  
Oh and incase you're wondering, I know how to spell my Penname. Angil is just Angel+ devil mixed together. It makes Angil! Not Anvil.  
  
To the reviewers, THANK YOU!! MWHAHAHAH!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!  
  
Imbefaniel: Tie her to a tree and leave her to the wolves? Lmao! Hehe, thanks for the idea and the review! n.n!  
  
Freakintheneverendingabyss: Hehe! Really? Cool! Thanks!  
  
Nessa Monyata: Hey thanks! Yah, Mel has a short temper. She hates LOTR. And yah, I'm probably gonna write the whole three series. Lol! That is unless they kill her before that. That way the story would end faster. Anyways kool elvish name. My friend's elvish name is Nessa too. I don't remember her last name though. Mine is Orilende Celebrindal. That sounds so weird! Oh well! Sounds like Orlando. (yay! Orlando Bloom!!)  
  
Kallinde of Middle-earth: Yes I know. Melda IS evil. And I will keep in that way. I'm sorry, but Legolas has to be mentally or if not, physically tortured too. He's part of the Fellowship right? And yes I will make Aragorn crazy (if he's not already). But that's all I'm telling! n.n!  
  
Evil Aryante: Hehe! Ooooooooooooh THANKIES!! *blushes* Please no more compliments...!! Or ur gonna make my ego larger than my evil math teacher of doom's head. Anyways, you keep writin' too! AND STOP BOWING!! You're killing trees by smashing desks! Protect nature! Lolz... Oh yeah and--yes! I'm writing more! Just please don't bring out the whip! Hehe!  
  
Yellow Drake X: Hehe! Thanks! More biting, up ahead!  
  
Surfer-Gurl: Lol. Ur funny. Oh and I'm so stupid, I'm sorry. I looked in ur penname and I saw it there. THANKS BY THE WAY! I still didn't get to the whole new fanfiction account thing. Weird...  
  
Fruity: Hehe (wow if I had a million dollars for every time I say that, I'd be...a multi millionaire!!)! Funny advice. Drunk. Oh yeah, and I already knew about that Figwit site. They posted it up in the newspapers talking about many sites created for an Elf who appeared in the movie for only 3 seconds! They have karaoke, that's cool! Oh and thanks for putting it on the favorite stories list!!  
  
Videl-14: Sure! Here's more!  
  
Videl-14: Yeah, I wish I could say that to my evil math teacher of doom too. But he would send me in a 5 hour detention every night for the rest of my life. Anyways, yeah the car thing. I know. It's not original, but it's weird. I didn't know how else to make her end up in there.  
  
hi peeps, i'm mad. what you gonna do bout it?: Wow! Where did u learn 'I love you're fic' in like 6 languages? There is ONE important language you forgot to put, and that is ELVISH!! Hehe. 'Amin mella lle fic.' Lol. And I found out later that disirely isn't a word but I was too lazy to change it.  
  
Lulu bell: 1) You have a club for that????!? 2) Really? Yikes! That means that the cute guy in my class is gonna end up with cancer!?! ;_;! He has brown hair but he keeps dying it blond! Well whatever, I still wanna color it anyways. I put natural dark red streaks in my hair before and I'M STILL ALIVE!!  
  
Deanna: Ur right! I can't even spell it right! But thankies anyway!  
  
Ow...my aching fingers. Ok, here's the next chappie. Ok I'll shut up and present it already!  
  
Oh and A/N: Incase you think Melda's a little Coo-coo, I'll just have to remind you that she really hates Lord of the Rings and that is why she is the freaky evil person she is. As if she already isn't.  
  
*~*   
CHAPTER ELEVEN---  
  
"Is that your whole room stuffed in a bag?" Aragorn said, raising an eyebrow.  
  
They were all about to leave for the big journey and almost everyone in Rivendell came to wish them goodbye. There were a lot of males around too waving to Melda and Anune was even there waving with a bleeding cloth around his right hand where Melda had bit him.  
  
"No! That's everything I need." Melda said simply.  
  
Aragorn snatched her bag from her arms and opened it. "What's this?" He said looking at a rectangular shaped bottle with odd yellow liquid in it.  
  
"It's called shampoo. SHAM-poo. I'm sure you've never heard of it, have you?"  
  
"Yes I *have* heard of it, but I do not see why you need twenty bottles of it!" Aragorn said. "And if you--what the!? What is your mattress doing in here!?"  
  
"Hey I can't sleep on cold hard ground!" Melda yelled. The other eight members of the fellowship sighed and Aragorn, with his strong muscles, lifted the mattress and threw it away. Then he looked into the bag once again and pulled out a pair of emerald pink and yellow jeweled slippers that looked like they belonged to a woman...or not.  
  
"HEY! GIVE THOSE BACK!" Elrond ran out of the crowd and snatched the slippers. Melda giggled insanely. "Why did you take my slippers!? I mean my wife's--- why did you take my *wife's* slippers?!"  
  
"Because I wanted to sell them in the black market of Rohan!" Melda said snorting hard with laughter.  
  
"They're not for sale!"  
  
"Wait a minute there, young lady." Gandalf said walking up to them. "We are not going to Rohan. We shall be passing up on Hollin, then up on the mountains of Redhorn then--"  
  
"Yaddiyaddi yada. You yack too much." Said Melda rolling her eyes as she did that hand thing that shows you talk too much. "You act like you know everything and you always wanna be the center of attention. What a fine Grandfather you'd make!" Then he started imitating a toothless old man. " '...In my old days...I used to go on horse rides (or was it panda rides...?) and every body was always around me. I'm so special! I had friends with pointy ears-- so pointy that you could use them as daggers to kill stuck on your head and...OH! There goes my back!'"  
  
She paused for laughs, but heard none. Melda looked around and saw that everyone was staring at her with wide eyes. So she decided to laugh at her own joke herself.  
  
"All...righty..." Elrond said and the real fellowship snapped back to earth. "Melda...never do that again. And behave yourself on the journey whilst you are at it."  
  
Melda pouted angrily. What did she do?? She never hurt anyone or did anything bad ever since she came here! (HAHAHA!! WOW! I'm cracking up at that last line!! Ever since she came hear!? ...wow...)  
  
Then he pulled Gandalf up to him and whispered something. The wizard nodded and gave a very quick glance at Melda. When they were done, Aragorn turned back to her. "Alright, back to the subject. You are simply not taking all this stuff with you."  
  
"Why not??"  
  
"YOU'LL KILL BILL!!"  
  
"Well then get a normal horse if this one is so retarded you doushbag!" Melda yelled.  
  
Aragorn sighed and began taking more stuff out. "More stolen slippers...a rubber ducky??...and what's this? A CHANDELIER?!? What the hell is that for?!? How did you get it in here?!"  
  
Elrond rubbed his forehead with eyes shut. He sighed and mumbled, "Dear Elbereth... why have you brought such an evil annoying thing upon us?" Then he spoke louder, "MELDA! You will not bring anything that is in this wretched bag of yours. I have provided you and the fellowship with fur cloaks and hoods as well as food. That is all you need for the journey, not Rivendell's largest chandelier."  
  
"Who died and made *you* king!?" Melda shot back.  
  
"No one. Though I AM the elf lord of this place." Elrond said. "This place is MINE."  
  
"Fine but I want to keep the bag I came to Middle-earth with."  
  
"That will do. But that bag goes on your back not Bill's."  
  
"Fine."  
  
"Fine."  
  
"That's good for you."  
  
"Good for you too."  
  
"All the better."  
  
"Yes all the better. Now will you please LEAVE already?!"  
  
The fellowship shrugged and waved their good-byes and began their journey southwards.  
  
"Goodbye Gandalf and fellowship. May you have the patience of the world with you. Aa' menealle nauva calen ar' malta."  
  
'Alright I know this was not the proper farewell...' Thought Elrond. 'But safety is a feeling I now feel ever since that evil girl left the borders of Rivendell. I now feel sorry for the other nine. How will they survive?? I am starting to feel as if she really was the daughter of Sauron in a way...may the strength of the Valar always be by their side...not Melda's though...'  
  
*~*  
  
It was freezing. Or as Tolkien would poetically say, 'For many sunless days an icy blast came from the Mountains in the east, and no garment seemed able to keep out its searching fingers.'  
  
Yup. It was freezing. Nothing seemed to make it any worst. Unless, you count Melda that is.  
  
"I'm sooo bored. It's freezing." She complained. "HELLO?! Are you listening to me?? Why do we have to walk so much? Being lazy is so much fun. Why not be that? Hey guys! GUYS!?!? I'm hungry!!!"  
  
"We just had breakfast!" Gimli yelled. "Now will you SHUT UP! For the love of Legolas!??"  
  
Legolas looked at him strangely. "Leave me out of the conversation. I do not want have to do anything with her and her invisible demons."  
  
"Well you know, I prefer the stomach of a hobbit's." Melda said in a matter- of-factly tone. " Now where's my second breakfast!?"  
  
They had been traveling for the past five days. And still no sign of a high mountain for them to throw her off. But they were getting nearer...hopefully. On the first day, things weren't so bad. Melda complained a little. One of the fellowship carried her a couple of times because her feet hurt and she was wasting their time. But as the days went by, things were getting really bad. Melda had a great talent for annoying people. She sang horribly, she danced around, she yelled on top of her lungs for any Sauron spies to find and kill the fellowship already, she kicked them and screamed in their ears when they least expected and kept bugging Boromir with faint hints of him going to die.  
  
"Does your family care about you?" She asks.  
  
"Er...yes. Why do you ask?" Boromir says.  
  
"Well what if you... let's say....you DIE. What would they do? How would they react?" She asks with a big goofy grin glued on her face.  
  
" Frankly, I do not know. Stop asking questions." He says, not cottoning on.  
  
Right now, Gandalf was gone, he said he had urgent news he must seek to, which made Melda curious because Tolkien said nothing about that in a book. Frodo was moping for when Gandalf's coming back like a homesick puppy. Aragorn yelled in rage every time Melda opens her mouth to say something. Legolas hid his bow and quiver away in his bag incase he shoots her without a second thought. The hobbits were so depressed that they ate most of their food as a comfort (heh...no surprise there). And Gimli...Gimli was amazingly patient. He didn't crack like the others...yet.  
  
"So...are we there yet?" Melda asked.  
  
"No. Do you even know where 'where' is?" Legolas said.  
  
"Mordor. Whenarewegonnagetthere???"  
  
Gimli started laughing. "We still have a long way to go my friend."  
  
"Unfortunately." Aragorn muttered bitterly.  
  
They decided to camp on one of the grassy green hills of Hollin. Boromir started teaching the hobbits how to swordfight and Aragorn began to get high on his pipe-weed. He began to smoke that more often-- must have been another comfort method for him.  
  
Just then Frodo cried, "GANDALF!! Oh thank Elbereth you're back!!" All of the people's heads turned towards an old man with a staff in one hand and a small brown thing in gold wrapping in the other.  
  
They all crowded around him except for Melda and began asking him about the urgent news. Just then she spotted what that gold wrapping was.  
  
"WHERE DID YOU GET THAT CRUNCHIE BAR!??!" She yelled.  
  
"I was able to get it from your time." Gandalf said calmly, smiling. "When I reached into your mind in Rivendell, your world intrigued me. So I decided to give it a small visit so I came by a place what you call a 'Drug- store' and got this. It's rather good I tell you."  
  
"YOU CAN GO 2003 ANYTIME YOU WANT BUT YOU CAN'T TAKE ME???!!!!!!!!??"  
  
"Well it's complicated, you see." Gandalf answered, taking another bite of the Crunchie (Oh yum...I want one now...but the fridge's too far...). "I am friends with Old Father Time himself. We met near the beginning of the creation of the world and close we became in such a short time. He always used to fulfill my requests to go into different times of the world. But I never knew that the years would exceed up to 2003, which is until I met you so I decided to take a glimpse of it by curiosity. So I--"  
  
But before he was able to finish, Melda lunged at him. "GIVE ME THAT CRUNCHIE BAR!!"  
  
"NO!" Gandalf said shoving it in his mouth trying to finish it.  
  
"YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE TOFEE!!" Melda roared, blocking his mouth to prevent the chocolate from getting in his mouth.  
  
"HOW DO YOU KNOW?!?"  
  
"BECAUSE I DO, OK?! GIVE IT TO ME!!"  
  
"NEVER!"  
  
But neither of them was able to get the end of the chocolate bar because it got lost somewhere in Gandalf's beard and thus ended the longing-for- chocolate-again of Melda.  
  
She kept shooting glances now and then at his beard. "One day, I'll cut it off and I'll find that chocolate again. No matter how much hair it's gonna end up having, it's MINE."  
  
"Ha! Not before I die!" Gandalf said searching through his beard for the missing chocolate item.  
  
Just then Legolas saw something. "There is something in the sky."  
  
"Nothing it's just a wisp of clouds." Gimli roared (not that I have anything against him, it just sounds horrifying next to Leggy's soothing voice).  
  
"It's moving fast." Boromir said.  
  
"Crebains from Fangorn and Dudeland!" Legolas said.  
  
"Hide!" Aragorn yelled. Every one gathered all their things, put out the fire and found a hiding place. All except for oh...let me see...MELDA.  
  
She began waving air hands in the air madly. "Here birdies! Here birdies! They're over here! Kill 'em! Peck their eyes out!"  
  
Boromir pulled her down and put a hand to cover her mouth. She bit him hard and even though he was wearing gloves made of Dragon hide, her teeth sank in his skin. His eyes widened and held himself from screaming. Once the birds were gone he ran out of the bush and let out a high-pitched scream. Melda began laughing insanely. Boromir took off his glove and saw his hand bleeding. "Why you vicious little thing-"  
  
"I dunno why you're getting all crazy about. I mean I didn't bite you hard. You didn't even taste as good as Anune did." Melda said getting out of the bushes too. The whole fellowship was glaring at her.  
  
"What? Did I do somefink wrong?" She asked innocently raising her eyebrows.  
  
"If I stay with her any longer, I'd be convinced that Sauron has been reincarnated into a body of a fifteen year old girl!" Boromir said trying to stop the bleeding, but with no avail.  
  
"You ARE working for Sauron!" Legolas said searching for his bow and arrows to shoot her. "I knew it! She wants to be rid of us. She just showed the Crebains where we are!"  
  
"Hey! Those birdies already knew where you were! No matter what you did!" Melda retorted.  
  
"How do you know!?" Aragorn said through gritted teeth.  
  
"I just do ok? I'm 'clairvoyant' remember?" Melda smiled evilly.  
  
Gandalf sighed. "Fellowship huddle."  
  
The nine huddled together and just as Melda walked towards them, Gandalf roared. "GO AWAY! YOU'RE NOT PART OF THE REAL FELLOWSHIP!!"  
  
Melda kicked a rock and it eventually hit poor Aragorn's head which began to slowly get red from anger and slumped on the ground, trying to overhear their conversation.  
  
"Okay." Gandalf said in a low voice. "Yes I know Melda has been driving us crazy. We are all thinking of killing her now, right?" Everyone nodded. "But back in Rivendell, I promised Elrond that we would not hurt her. She is a girl from the future and she has all these crazy ideas. She does not understand the ways of Middle-earth, no one in her time really understands. They are very different. Believe me, I have been there. I even heard of someone worst who I remember was called 'Chrisitna Aguilera' or something like that. The point is that he asks us to have patience with her. Give her a chance. Make her see that we are not bad people. Do you understand?"  
  
After a long pause, the fellowship sighed one after the other and agreed.  
  
*~*~*  
  
Will Melda change? Or will things get worst? Will the fellowship last a second longer being nice to her? Or will they get her back for her stubbornness? Read on next time to find out in chapter 12, 'The pranking begins!'! MWHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!  
  
For now, you must review and tell me what you think! Or else...or else, I'll send my evil monkeys from outer space disguised as yellow orangutans with guns at you! For more information about this fascinating creature, Check out my other site. On Elfwood. www.elfwood.com. Or just go on my bio for a short cut. RIGHT NOW YOU REVIEW!! 


	12. Hail to the crappiest chapter yet! Oh an...

Hey everybody! I'm really REALLY sorry it took such a long time to update! I was suffering from a serious illness.  
  
It's called Writerus' Blockterieus!  
  
And how painful it was! To open your word file and stare at the screen with no ideas whatsoever coming into your head. Ouch. But I'm ok now! Yay, I'm so happy.  
  
If this chapter sucks, go easy on me because I just recovered from writer's block (if you didn't get what I meant by Writerus' Blockterieus, it means Writer's block. Yeah, lame joke. I know.).  
  
Oh and by the way. I made some stupid mistakes in Chapter 11. It's not Crebains from Dudeland. (Lmao..Dudeland.) it's DUNland. I wasn't paying much attention when I read that part. And I didn't really clarify what Gandalf said when he said they were gonna cross over Redhorn then to Cahadhras. *I* didn't even understand what I meant. Probably becuz Cahadhras is elvish for Redhorn. At least that's what I heard.  
  
Anywho, I know that this chapter's name was supposed to be, 'the pranking begins...' but this has nothing to do with the title cuz the whole plot just got mixed up. So I just wanna tell you that that title is PROBABLY gonna be next chapter's. So don't go telling me "HUH? Where's the pranks? Why did she say the title was ' the pranking begins' when there's no pranks?"  
  
I guess I've talked myself out. So go ahead and read Chapter 12. Reviewer replies are at the bottom...  
  
Xoxox--  
  
AnGiL (Angeil+ Devil)  
  
P.S : I'M REALLY SORRY! THIS CHAPTER'S GONNA SUCK! BEWARE!  
  
*~*  
  
I wanna give a special thanks to the reviewer Imbefaniel because he/she had been reviewing ever since the beginning of the story. So THANK YOU SO SO MUCH!!! *hands out home made cookies baked by herself* TRUST me, you DON'T wanna try those. I'm a terrible cook. I can't even eat cereal without screwing it up. Like spilling the milk...or opening the cereal box and all the cornflakes just fly up in the air...*sob* I'm a failure! Anyways, thank you so much.  
  
*~*  
  
CHAPTER TWELVE--  
  
"Remember. We must keep our patience. Time will come when she turns a new leaf and treats us decently. Alright?" Gandalf said. They nodded solemnly.  
  
They turned to Melda who was muttering gibberish, unaware of being watched. "I swear if I stay here any longer, I'm going to release my Alien monkeys disguised as yellow orangutans with guns from outer space at them. Or maybe something worst... How about my vicious pink spotted gorillas? They could be great killers. I wasn't able to tame them myself!"  
  
"This going to be hard keeping my patience with a mental mortal." Legolas muttered.  
  
Aragorn cleared his throat and Melda's attention turned to the nine smiling ear-to-ear at her. She couldn't help but take a step back. "Uh...what's up with you?  
  
"Oh nothing at all my lady." Gimli said innocently with a big hairy(wha??) grin.  
  
Melda kicked another rock, picked up her bag that she dropped on the ground and eyed them suspiciously. She had heard the words 'nice' and 'turn over a new leaf' while trying to eavesdrop.  
  
Are they planning something??  
  
"Ok then STOP STARING AT ME!"  
  
"Well we better be going now." Gandalf said pulling up his sleeves. "We shall be climbing Mount Cahadhras."  
  
"WHAT?! I'm not moving. I'm starving. You didn't give me my second breakfast and NOW YOU WANT ME TO CLIMB MOUNT CAHADHRAS!?" Melda yelled purposely right beside Legolas's ear that he jumped back a couple of meters from her loud voice.  
  
Gandalf just nodded and sighed. "Very well, we shall rest for tonight."  
  
"What the-!" Melda said unbelievably. Then she began thinking hard (for the first time, actually), 'Yesssss, their up to something, preciuousssss. Ok what the hell!? I'm starting to think like Lord of the Rings. Damn you who ever did this to me!!! Ok....I know something's going on. Their up to something and hell I'm not gonna let them do anything to me. I bet they're being all nice so they can get me back after. Yes, that's it. If that's the case, I won't let them get to me..I say a lot of "me" don't I??'  
  
Gandalf said, "But we shall not be resting here, because those Crebains have already spotted us. If we walk a couple of meters farther, we shall find a good spot."  
  
Melda didn't complain and just grinned evilly, still thinking of what she was just thinking of the thought of the thinking part of the thought that she just thought of (a/n: confused you didn't I? I sure as hell confused myself!!).  
  
Her smile widened and the hobbits shot her a worried glance. "Evilness at it's worst now.." She muttered and cackled like a witch.  
  
Legolas looked at her suspiciously. He heard what she was saying.  
  
She cleared her throat and pranced up to Boromir. "Hey Bor." She began to laugh for five minutes straight at the nickname before he had a chance to answer back.  
  
But when he did he said, "Hallo Melda."  
  
"May I see your hand?" She asked with an 'innocent' look on her face, just like a little girl as she wiped away a tear. "I'm so sorry I bit it, I wasn't thinking clearly."  
  
"Do you ever?" Legolas asked.  
  
Melda gave him an evil glare and mouthed, 'You're next'.  
  
"Why do want to see it?" Boromir asked.  
  
"Well...I just wanna see if it's still badly injured." Melda said oh-ever- so innocently.  
  
"Well..alright." He said. And to his stupidity, lack of common sense, idiocy, senselessness, folly, craz--well you get the picture--he removed his glove and his bandage and let Melda examine it.  
  
It stopped bleeding a while ago and was healing but it shall forever leave a scar. Melda frowned. She had bit him hard and it was supposed to still be bleeding. So for no reason, she picked up a convenient near by rock and whacked it hard on Boromir's healing hand. His eyes bulged in pain and he let out the loudest scream ever heard from a man. The hand began to bleed immediately and it was rushing more than before.  
  
The other eight looked at her in shock. "WHAT WAS THAT FOR!!?!?" Boromir yelled.  
  
"You know what? I have no idea." Melda said.  
  
He lunged at her but it had to take all the hobbits plus Aragorn to stop him. "Remember what Gandalf said! Boromir please hold yourself!" Merry yelled desperately as he clung to his leg.  
  
"How can I hold myself?! I CAN BARELY FEEL MY HAND!!!"  
  
Gandalf sighed. "Sometimes I wish I were mortal..."  
  
*~*  
  
"Where is an orc when you need one?" Boromir muttered morbidly as Sam healed his hand and tried to bandage it. "I would not even make an effort to stop them from kidnapping her."  
  
"Aww poor baby." Melda mocked.  
  
"Shut up you filthy human." Legolas said.  
  
"No why don't YOU shut up and go back to combing your hair!" She retorted.  
  
"Why should I shut up? I barely talk. You're the one with the mouth that never closes so you shut up." Legolas replied angrily.  
  
"No you should shut up. You're voice is horrible!"  
  
"My voice? Then you certainly have not heard yours! You should be beheaded for an assault on our ears."  
  
"Shut up!"  
  
"You shut up."  
  
"No you--"  
  
"BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP!!!" Gandalf yelled. Everyone was suddenly silent. The wizard sighed and rubbed his temple. He seemed to have more wrinkles than before and his every hair was out of place (as if it already wasn't) from the stress. It's impossible to be nice to Melda. She never even gives you the chance!  
  
They all sat and watched the fire crackle as the night engulfed the lands. Melda and Legolas were still glaring at each other. Oh and Boromir was glaring at her too. No, let's be more truthful; EVERYBODY was glaring at her.  
  
"Is that better, Mr. Boromir?" Sam said as he finished bandaging. "Can you move your hand?"  
  
Boromir grabbed his right wrist with his other hand and tried to move his fingers. "Yes...thank goodness. Because if I couldn't, I would have thrown that witch into the fire."  
  
"Enough." Gandalf said firmly.  
  
Melda sighed, picked up her blanket and moved as far away from the fellowship as possible.  
  
She sat on the cover she put on the ground and for the first time she arrived in Middle-earth, she looked into her bag. "I miss home..." She said and suddenly she found herself also saying, "I actually miss Mr. Daryl too." Her evil math teacher. She picked out a book and looked at it. It was Math exercises Level 2. "Eww! What was I saying?!" She said as she looked in disgust at the math book and threw it on the ground for the wrags passing by the next day to eat it.  
  
"Why the hell did I bring both my Mp3 and CD player with me?" She said as she picked up both items, then shrugged it off as she took her CD and began to listen to music. As she dug further into the bag she came across a pack of messed up papers. Looking at it, she remembered what it was. Macey gave her those papers she printed to read. It was another one of those traditional Mary-Sue fics. Macey simply loved them and she would always force Melda to read them. And that is how she came to know these evil creatures that fall in love with the stupidest characters like Leggy-loo- loo.  
  
Melda read two lines and then ripped the paper to pieces. 'Of all the females out there, it had to be me huh?' she thought. 'And to sum everything all up, my so-called Mary-Sue life is completely the opposite of what it should be.'  
  
Then she found yet ANOTHER story she was supposed to read. She promised Macey that she would read it ever since six months ago and yet, she never did. "I...guess I could read it to help me fall asleep." Melda said as she snuggled under her blankets and pulled the paper up to her nose to read better because she was so far away from the campfire.  
  
Turns out that the story was a slash fic of Legolas and Aragorn and it was pretty exciting. Well...not to Melda...she fell asleep right after barely finishing the first sentence.  
  
*~*  
  
Melda suddenly woke up. She couldn't see anything for her vision was blurry but she could hear two men talking in Elvish.  
  
'Since when did Dad and Grandpa learn how to speak elvish?' She thought as she rubbed her eyes and then remembered everything again. She hissed and slammed her head on the flood. 'Why? Why? WHY ME!'  
  
Melda sat up and looked around. Her bag and papers were scattered everywhere and her CD player was lying next to her so she picked it up and looked at it. "Ah, shit. What better way to finish you batteries? Listen to it while your asleep, eh?"  
  
She suddenly got up and walked past Legolas and Aragorn who were the two talking together. The others were asleep.  
  
"Hey were are you going?" Aragorn said suspiciously as he saw Melda.  
  
"To pee." She said sleepily. "Wanna join me?"  
  
"Err...no thanks. HEY NOT THAT FAR!!" He yelled as Melda was almost out of sight.  
  
"Well if you're so desperate in seeing me half naked, then why don't you just join me?!" She yelled over.  
  
"I don't want to see you half naked!" Aragorn said in disgust. "I just don't want you getting away because--hey what is wrong with you?!" He suddenly yelled at Legolas who's face was white with shock. His mouth was wide open and he was staring at nothing in particular.  
  
"Aragorn..." He said slowly. "I just got a mental image..."  
  
Aragorn began laughing and slapped Legolas on the back. "Let us hope it does not stick in your mind!"  
  
*~*  
  
Melda found a bush far from where the fellowship was resting and hoped that Legolas' stupid elf eyes couldn't see her.  
  
Of course she was joking around when she asked Aragorn to join her. I mean, who would want a big hairy guy who's dating a woman with donkey sized ears standing there watching you pee?? (A/N: Oops no offence...(-;)  
  
As she lazily pulled off her pants and underwear (A/N: Don't wanna be dirty here, but this is part of the plot. Sorry.), she eyed the two as they talked together. 'If only I had a weapon, I would have killed them right from the start...'  
  
Suddenly she heard something rustling in the bushes. Melda looked cautiously around, her heart beating fast. What kind of sick person would sneak up on her to see her naked?  
  
"A-Aragorn? Is that you?" Melda asked. "I was just joking around! I didn't really mean for you to come..."  
  
No answer came.  
  
"Damn it! Why did I have to drink so much water!?" She muttered helplessly.  
  
The rustling became louder and Melda was getting really freaked out. "Who cares! I'd rather pee in my pants than have them see me half naked!" She said as she was about to pull up her clothes but somebody out of nowhere tackled her.  
  
Melda let out a scream and the person tried to cover her mouth. "Let go of me you big fat--OH MY GOD!! AN ORC!!!" She screamed louder and the orc hit her hard across the face.  
  
More orcs where coming out of the bushes with evil grins spread across their faces. "I'M GONNA GET RAPED BY FUCKIN' ORCS!!"  
  
She received another blow across the face. Suddenly she heard another noise coming.  
  
Aragorn and Legolas came sprinting to the spot. Legolas shot the orc who was on top of Melda right in the neck and it fell on her side. She quickly pulled up her underwear and watched as Aragorn slew two other orcs.  
  
"RUN!" He yelled to Melda who was still staring, and she immediately got up to run but then she tripped over her pants that she didn't pull up and another orc, that came out of the bushes, took the advantage to get her.  
  
He grabbed her pants and Melda screamed again. "GET OFF ME YOU DISGUSTING PIECE OF SHIT!!" She tried to kick him in the face put he bit her foot.  
  
Legolas came and stabbed him in the back with his Elven daggers. "Quickly! Run!"  
  
Melda obeyed and ran away, this time, nothing stopped her but still, having no idea which direction she were going.  
  
By the time, Legolas and Aragorn had slew all the orcs and none other came jumping out of the bushes. Legolas looked at the corpses in disgust and kicked one on the head. "They are bearing the white hand of Saruman. Like Gandalf had said, they are serving him."  
  
"Where did Melda go?" Aragorn said, looking around. "I saw her take the north direction instead of the south."  
  
Legolas looked around and saw Melda walking back to them. "I couldn't find my way back, where's camp?" She asked blushing madly. No one had ever seen her naked and guess who decides to change that way? An elf, a man whom she both hates and a couple disgusting, dirty orcs. 'Great. Absolutely-- marvelously great.'  
  
Legolas decided to look else where than her bare legs and began wiping orc blood off his daggers with his worn-out cloak and then began plucking his arrows out of the orc corpses. "A burden she is to us. Nothing more. That must be why the real fellowship Elrond wanted us to be before, had been all men." He muttered in Elvish.  
  
Melda began insulting him in Chinese even though she had no idea what he was saying.  
  
Aragorn took off his cloak and wrapped it around her waist. "Come. We must hurry back to camp and warn the others. We should get your foot cleaned too. It might be contaminated by the orc's teeth. You never know."  
  
"Thanks..." Melda muttered, her face turning redder.  
  
"What was that? I am sorry I did not hear it properly. Can you please repeat it one more time?" Legolas said with a sly smile as he arranged his arrows back in his quiver.  
  
"I. Said. Thank. You." Melda said through clenched teeth.  
  
"Ahh much better. But next time, say more enthusiastically."  
  
"Fuck you, you pointy eared she-male. I still hate you both any way."  
  
*~*  
  
Aaaah! Yay! I finally finished writing it! Oh god, I think this was the longest chapter I ever wrote! Yes it was also disturbing to some readers wasn't it? I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to go that way. It was supposed to be something totally different. Now I havta redo the whole plot again. If you didn't like this chapter, once again, I'm sorry. I stayed up all night typing this and after to morrow I have school (spring break is over!! NOOO!).  
  
Right now it's six am, I'm gonna get in trouble for swiping my dad's laptop for a couple of hours and because my tattle tale stupid immature 18 year old sister found me on the computer at 4:00 and now she's gonna tell my dad and now he's gonna turn off the internet. Ok you did NOT have to know my life story. (But I'll find a way to come back! MWHAHAHAHAH!!)  
  
Please read my new fic "I'm a natural blond, so please speak slowly..." about Legolas as a dumb blond. It's pretty funny I guess.  
  
Oh and can some one help me? How do you do italics?! I write them on 'word' but then when I upload them, it doesn't work anyways please answer back.  
  
*~*  
  
Review replies. (Sorry if I'm gonna offend anyone because I'm in a cranky mood right now.) I GOT A somewhat FLAMER!! HEHE!  
  
Evil Aryante: Aaaaaaw THANKS!! *blush* Hehe. Well then stop wasting plastic! (If your desk is made out of plastic, which I'm sure is not)  
  
Culdil: Thankies! I like fics like that too. It's just so funny reading the fellowship lose their patience. I like Leggomances too. But when I read him doing something to the girl (or in some cases, Aragorn) I would be like 'Naaa! That's not him! He would never do that.'  
  
Hi-Tech-Tuathan: Lolz! Thanks! Oh yeh. I've been arrested lots of times for doing that. (MWAAHHHAHAHA!!) Actually I've been arrested for claiming that I own LotR. *sob* Now I don't own it anymore!? Melda muse: 'Will you SHUT UP!? I can't believe some one would like that stupid movie.' Oh sorry. I think I like the idea of having a Melda muse...its kinda fun!  
  
Dragon-denna: Yay! I was gonna write before that I can't write anymore, cuz I'm on a writer's block but now you can forget it, because I'm cured!! WHOO- HOO!! (yes, I think this chapter sucked)  
  
Imbefaniel: Yup I'm on elfwood 2. But that site is kinda starting to annoy me. Yes I am jealous. I admit it. There's so many good artists there and it makes me angry that I'm not as good and that I'll probably never get the chance to be on Moderator's choice! *ahem* Thanks for the review. Is it ok if I use these suggestions in my story? Oh yeah and I want to ask you one more thing. DO YOU STILL WANT TO BE IN MELDA'S PLACE?? Lol...me finks me know the answer...  
  
Lightning: Yeah uploading is pretty hard. But I found out how to work it out on my own! HAHA! NIA NIA!! Sorry I'm in a cranky/hyper mood right now.  
  
Lulu bell: Well I like some of X-tina's songs too. But she sucks (no offence). And about the BC thingy *looks around* I knew you were joking! Eh...he...he. And about the cancer thingy, I don't really care if there's a rumor going around about Mc Donald's causing cancer. It's one of the best fast foods restaurants I've been to. Or something like that, I like Scores. Anyways, life's too short to think about the consequences! Just go out there and have fun!! I'm more of a risk-taker/daredevil kind of person. P.S: If u like blond stuff see my other fic, 'I'm a natural blond, so please speak slowly'.  
  
Nihtfyr: Thanks! And here are the strange things that shall be explained.  
  
1)I've just cleared them up. Feel better?  
  
2)I'm sorry. But I ain't professional. And besides, almost everything was perfect but when I uploaded them, the whole thing just got screwed up.  
  
3)Well you know, people get first impressions. I also said, that Legolas starts saying that it's oily and dirty and stuff. I was also giving a brief description of Melda's features if you don't mind.  
  
4)Thank you. Ok I admit I had too much A/N's but what do you mean 'stop comparing whatever they do to the movie'? I don't understand. You might want to explain to me again, please.  
  
Videl-14: Hmmm...not bad about Gandalf's idea. But I prefer Melda nagging him about it. Thanks by the way, hope this one wasn't so bad.  
  
Rogue Solus: Really? Hehe! Thanks. It encourages me to do more evil.  
  
Alex Buller (chap 8): Lol, thanks.  
  
Alex Buller (chap 4): YES! YOU MUST!  
  
Alex Buller (chap 2): Thanks. Pip is so cute!  
  
Alex Bulled (CHAP ONE!!! Ooops sorry): Oh hey! I'm flattered! Thanks!  
  
1/2 of Kate and Amy, Partners in Crime: So here's the flamer thingy. Ok listen. The truth why I wrote all those HALARIOUS and the *funny funny* is to get people interested. And it worked. Plus this is my story, I don't care if you think the idea of Mary-Sue is a little over done because this is not the traditional kind. Have you even READ the whole story?? And I'm not bragging. I think it appears to be amusing too. Just not in the first chapter. And I see that you left a comment there only. So please, shut up, read the whole damn thing, and THEN you comment. Oops! Am I starting to sound like your friend Kate? By using BIG harsh words? Haha, wtv  
  
*~*  
  
There! I'm done. I had fun answering the flamer. I saw the Ring yesterday and I didn't sleep I'm totally freaked out. Right now, REVIEW!! REVIEW!!  
  
Oh and I've been really bored lately, so if anyone wanna chat or something, send me an e-mail or add me on msn at Fenrir_11@hotmail.com that's the account I use most.  
  
So please review for the moment! 


	13. Author's Note

Hi everyone,  
  
Um...first thing's first. This is NOT a chapter. Just an author's note.  
  
I just wanna say I'm sorry if I offended any reviewers if you read the Flamer reply. I mean I didn't mean to. I usually don't get them and when I got this one, I got all pissed off. I like to fight fire with fire but after I read Lady Eowyn's review, I felt really bad.  
  
So once again, I'm sorry. They are YOUR point of views, and next time I'll try to respect them. You can criticize me or flame me if you wish, but I won't fight back cuz that's what you think of me. I'm not perfect so not everybody has to like me. Everyone has a different perspective and say different stuff and I should have thought of that before I wrote this story or before I answered the flamer.  
  
I guess that's all. Oh and about the spelling mistakes, what am I supposed to do about them? I'm only in my early teens and the place I live in revolves completely around the French language. And when I DO use the spell-check, the computer keeps putting all the LotR names as mistakes so I get bored and click Ignore without even checking if it's a word or the name.  
  
*~*  
  
Geography is so annoying! It sucks and it's complicated. Anyone else hate it? Oh by the way, does anyone know how to do Italics or Bold letters on the fic? It doesn't work when I upload them.  
  
*~*  
  
Anyways, I'm gonna write the REAL Chapter 13 soon, and I'll read the reviews carefully next time. :-)~ 


	14. Let the pranking begin!

Hey! Me back. Me wrote new chapter. I'm ok, don't worry. I just wanna thank you again for the millionth time for reviewing my story. You didn't really have to review for The Author's Note. It was just an apology of my rudeness and pride going overboard. ^.~. Anyways...  
  
IMPORTANT NOTE: I'm gonna need some help for fixing the plot of the story. So from now on, there's gonna be polls. AND YOU ALL MUST VOTE!! Ok, wait, that sounded like an order... Lemme start over...AND YOU ALL MUST PLEASE VOTE. Better? n.n!  
  
*~*  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of Tolkien's characters featured in this fic. They all belong to him and may god rest his soul. The plot is his but I gave it some twists by adding my fictional character. Melda belongs to me. I do not mean to vandalize or offend any of his characters by this fic, so therefore I'm sorry. (Hey wow! I actually wrote a decent disclaimer!! Me proud!!)  
  
*~*  
  
CHAPTER THIRTEEN--(real one!)  
  
*~*  
  
"Damn. Damn. DAMN! DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMNNNN!!" Melda said slamming her head on her bag that she was holding.  
  
"Hold still, will you?!" Sam said as he took out the healing herbs out of the water that was on the fire.  
  
"Well you obviously haven't been spotted half naked by the people you hate the most!"  
  
"Well you should be grateful that Aragorn and Legolas saved your life instead of leaving you for the orcs." Sam said as he brought over the water with healing herbs up to her foot.  
  
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!! FREAK! DON'T YOU KNOW THAT PUTTING HOT WATER ON YOUR FOOT IS DANGEROUS!?!?" Melda screamed pulling her foot away as it began to bleed again from the pressure she was putting on it.  
  
"It is?" Frodo asked with raised eyebrows.  
  
"I dunno!" Melda said. "But don't you have any Alcohol or something? I mean if you have weed, surly you must have THAT!"  
  
"Alcohol?" Sam asked. "Listen I put healing herbs in the water. It is not going to be dangerous, instead it will make your foot heal faster."  
  
"NO!"  
  
Merry sighed. "Give her something to eat."  
  
The fellowship looked at him, "What?"  
  
"Just trust me."  
  
Pippin gave her a piece of bread and Melda began to immediately munch on it happily forgetting whatsoever had just happened. Sam took the time as an advantage to pour the water on her foot.  
  
"OOOW!!" She screamed.  
  
"Um...Melda? I didn't even touch your foot yet." Sam said.  
  
"What? Oh..."  
  
She shut her eyes and chewed on the food just as Sam poured the water and bandaged her foot.  
  
"Already done? That was fast." She said with her mouth full of food.  
  
*~*  
  
"Sooo." Melda said walking up to Gandalf. "What's up Gandy?"  
  
She began laughing madly again. "HAHAH! It sounds like Gandhi!! You know, that Indian guy who--"  
  
"I know who Gandhi is." Gandalf said as he sighed.  
  
"Oh. How? Oh yeah. That father time guy took you to like um...1650?" Melda said not leaving a chance for him to answer.  
  
It was early morning and they were nearing Cahadhras. Of course that meant it was getting even colder and maybe, just MAYBE they could get the chance to throw her off when they were high enough on the mountain.  
  
Gandalf sighed again, only this time, it was in frustration. "Gandhi was born in Porbandar in the present state of Gujarat on October 2, 1869, and educated in law at University College, London. He was a leader and a prisoner for many times but was a true man and had many people on his side for the good deeds he has done to his fellow Indians. He later got assassinated by Nathuram Godse on January 30, 1948. Got it? He was NOT born in 1650."  
  
"Ok whoa, I didn't ask for your life story."  
  
"You are hopeless. I'm surprised your teachers didn't suicide from your stupidity."  
  
"Shut up."  
  
Gandalf began to grow very large and dark stormy clouds were forming behind him, giving him an evil impression. "YOU DO NOT TELL ME TO SHUT UP!! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA THAT YOU ARE TALKING TO ONE OF THE GREATEST WIZARDS TO WALK THE FACE OF MIDDLE- EARTH!!??"  
  
Melda quickly took out a book from her bag and handed it to Gandalf who began to shrink back to the size of a raisin...no actually he shrunk back to normal size. "Here read this."  
  
The wizard looked at it with curiosity. "What is it?"  
  
"It's an anger management book. Oh and you can work out something about that ego too." Melda added as she pranced away.  
  
Ganfalf began fuming and Aragorn walked up to him and put a hand on his shoulder. "Even you who said we should to be nicer to her, isn't keeping this promise."  
  
"Well it is very hard to keep it ARAGORN!! I have never met anyone as annoying as her."  
  
Melda turned around and saw that Legolas was staring at her. She blushed again. 'Why did this have to happen to me!?' She thought angrily. 'Now I can't look at either two of them without blushing.' Then another thought perked up in her head. 'But hey...they think that I'm gonna be nice to them ever since they saved my life. HA! Like THAT'S ever gonna happen. I promised myself that I'll torture them so bad, they're gonna start begging for mercy...but I don't have the right tools for that. Where's a damn stink bomb when you need one? I was sure I had a ton of these in my bag...anyways, I hate LotR, and I'll make them hate me. I don't care what happens.'  
  
So when it was time for their break, Melda was thinking quietly for a way to annoy them but the only thing that was coming to her mind was the slash fics.  
  
'Hmm...slash fics.' She thought evilly. 'Shakuhachi, kumiuta, danmono...wha? Oh damn, there goes the incomprehensible Japanese conversations in my head. Mihongo. Konichiwa. Teriyaki, ok THAT I understood! Mmmm...Teriyaki.'  
  
She shook her head and the retarded thoughts stopped flowing in her mind and took the slash stories out of her bag. Then she walked near Legolas and Aragorn who were chatting together AGAIN and sat down beside them. She began to giggle hard purposely as she pressed her nose in the papers. The two stopped talking and eyed her suspiciously.  
  
She began to force hysterical laughter even though she read nothing. Legolas was now getting annoyed so he swiftly got up and snatched the papers out of Melda's hands who made no effort to grab it back and began to read.  
  
Melda watched his eyes widening and his face reddening as he read the fic. She smiled maliciously. This fic had more graphic scenes than normal rated R one's. It described every single thing in detail. Macey said so. Hmmm...wonder were she got this. Legolas was seriously not acting like the quite easy going person he was, instead he was fuming.  
  
"What is it?" Aragorn asked getting up.  
  
"Look. At. This." Legolas said through gritted teeth. "That. Witch. Is. Writing. Stories. Of. Us..."  
  
"Us what?" Aragorn asked.  
  
Legolas handed him the papers and he began to read. His reactions were the same thing as the elf. They both gave her the most vicious glare and yes, they were mad. Very, VERY mad...  
  
"WHERE DID YOU GET THIS!?" Aragorn yelled. The other people in the fellowship looked at them curiously.  
  
"Um...I found it." Melda lied. Ok this wasn't a good idea. They can't take jokes.  
  
"WHERE!?"  
  
"Somewhere, I don't remember."  
  
"You...you..." Aragorn said, but he couldn't finish from his anger. Suddenly, he took out his dagger and slashed the papers to a million pieces and buried it deep in the ground. When he was done, he put his dagger back and packed everything on Bill again. "Legolas tie her up. Let's go Gandalf. I will not wait here any longer. Let's get this journey over with so we can be rid of her soon enough."  
  
"Wow. He took that pretty easily." Melda mumbled. Damn. She was expecting something worst.  
  
Legolas immediately grabbed her by the arms and tied them really hard with rope. And forced her to walk on by poking her with one of the arrows.  
  
They climbed up the snowy mountains, just when Melda, who was quite the whole time said, "Stop. You don't have to cross the mountain. You won't be able to."  
  
"Quite you." Boromir said.  
  
"No you be quite or you won't be able to use BOTH hands." She shot back. "I'm not crossing this mountain. Go without me."  
  
A huge grin spread across the hobbits' face, even Bill the pony's (if that's possible).  
  
Gandalf looked at her questioningly but then shrugged. "Very well. Though you will freeze and starve to death and be left alone for it will be a long journey to Mordor even after crossing Cahadhras."  
  
"Stupid ass. Of course I'm not gonna let you leave me without food." Said Melda. "And as for crossing the mountain, you won't be able to."  
  
"That's what you think!" Legolas said as he walked away from her.  
  
Gandalf nodded, untied her, left her some food and began dancing--yes DANCING--up the mountain.  
  
*~*  
  
Melda sighed and dropped to her knees dramatically. "PLEASE! PLEASE let this all be a dream! I'll do ANYTHING! I promise to stop spying in the boy's locker-room after their basket-ball match!! On no wait, I can't stop that!"  
  
She got back up and kicked a rock then she looked at the fellowship that was now looking like little ants climbing up white whipped cream.  
  
Melda picked up her bag and took out a mirror as she sat down on a dry spot. She looked at her reflection and began talking to herself (crazy huh?),  
  
"Ok, let's see. I'm gonna summarize everything from the beginning of the journey. I got pissed off at Mr. Darryl--hmm... I should get him an orc as a present if I get home-- so he gave me a detention and I decided to not go and I skipped school. I came across a place I didn't recognize but then I got hit by something. And that's how I ended up here...I joined the fellowship and was forced to go with them, we're not even halfway through the journey and they already hate me... I really don't know what's going to happen to me and I guess I'm scared to find out. If they know how I really feel, everything's going to turn upside-down and I'm gonna end up like Mary- Sue-- which I sure as hell wouldn't want that! So I guess I feel like I'm caught in the middle...But...the worst thing is...I GOT A PIMPLE THE SIZE OF TEXAS!!!"  
  
She yelled as she picked at the pimple.  
  
*~*  
  
Meanwhile on Cahadhras:  
  
"Legolas, how ever can you walk on the snow so lightly?" Asked Frodo as he dug through the snow.  
  
"I'd answer that, but I refuse to sink to your level." Legolas said snobbishly.  
  
"Gandalf! Let us go to the mines of Moria! My cousin Balin will welcome us in great honor!" Gimli yelled as a storm began to form.  
  
"No! We must go on! Must get away from Melda!!" Gandalf answered.  
  
Legolas hurried ahead of them and looked out into the clearing. "There is a fell voice in the air!"  
  
"IT'S MELDA SINGING!!!!" Sam shrieked.  
  
"No it's something else! It's Saruman!!" Gandalf said. "Thank gods that it wasn't Melda's singing."  
  
*~*  
  
Melda on the other hand was talking to the snowman she just finished building but abruptly stopped when she heard a voice in the air that sounded like, "Ratsy, Ratsy, Ratsy, Rats!!" (A/N: I swear that's what I heard when I saw the movie.)  
  
"Oh that must be Sourman of many colors." Melda said to the snowman. "That guy thinks he's gonna take over the world. What's that? You think I could do that instead? Aww, shucks!"  
  
She blushed and hugged the snowman. "What did you say? I should have dyed my hair blonde because I'm dumb? Because I'm talking to you? You're so mean!"  
  
So, without thinking, she violently punched his head and it broke to pieces.  
  
"Oh my god...what have I done?" Melda said falling to her knees as tears trickled down her face. "I'm a murderer!!!"  
  
"She was right." Voices came from behind her. "I hate that when it happens. As if it already did before."  
  
"What are you doing Melda?" Pippin asked walking up to her.  
  
"I...I killed...I killed..." She sniffed. "I KILLED MR.SNOWSNOW!!! I'm a foul snowman killer!!!"  
  
"An eardrum killer too." Legolas said.  
  
Pippin awkwardly patted her back to reassure her but it didn't help. She was crying her heart out at a snowman.  
  
Gandalf sighed. "We should get going."  
  
"NO! I can't just leave him here!"  
  
"He's just a snowman!"  
  
"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!! NONE OF YOU DO!! YOU'RE ALL HEARTLESS!! MR.SNOWSNOW WAS MY BESTEST FRIEND FOR THE PAST 15 MINUTES!! BUT I BETRAYED HIM!!!"  
  
"Bestest? That's not even a word." Boromir said as he raised his eyebrows then he sighed as he walked up to her. "Melda, I'm sorry for doing this-- actually I'm not..."  
  
He abruptly picked her up and walked away from the scene of the crime.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Melda screamed dramatically as she tried to kick free.  
  
*~*  
  
Two days later, Melda awoke to a sunny morning. She sighed happily and smelled hotdogs and potato soup smell. She was crying for the past two days, but this morning she couldn't remember why.  
  
Melda walked up to Sam who was cooking and looked at him strangely, "Dude, Who makes soup for breakfast?"  
  
"I do." Sam said simply. "Tater soup is the best."  
  
"I see..." Melda said so then she walked down to the lake nearby to wash her face.  
  
Suddenly a 'Melda muse' dressed in white, complete with wings and a halo appeared on her right shoulder and another one dressed in red with a horn and a devil's tail appeared on her left.  
  
"What the hell?" Melda said in shock.  
  
"You don't like the Lord of the Rings do you?" Asked the one in red.  
  
"Well no..."  
  
"Why don't you just be nice to them?" The other one said. "I'm sure that there is more to them than you think."  
  
"Hey, you shut up! If you didn't sit next to GOD all the time, I would snatch you and pluck out your chicken feathers one by one!" The one in red said.  
  
"HA! Not if God does something about it!"  
  
"See? You're always squealing to--"  
  
"Ok whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on there!" Melda said talking to the muses sitting on either side of her shoulder. "I'm confused. Can you just tell me who you both are first?"  
  
"Well you see, I'm the evil Melda muse," Said the evil Melda muse with an evil musey grin. "I'm the one people listen to most of the time."  
  
"Not if they're in their right mind." The one in white said, then she cleared her throat. "Ok, I'm the GOOD Melda muse. I'm the one people should RIGHTFULLY listen to, to get to HEAVEN!"  
  
The evil one stuck out her tongue.  
  
The real Melda thought for a moment and said, "You know what? Saying evil Melda muse and good Melda muse is just too tiring. I'm too lazy to open my mouth too much so I'm just gonna call you number one and number too."  
  
The evil one began to laugh. "Haha! You're a number too!"  
  
"Well you're pee, that's bad enough! Besides, I'm sure I clearly remember that she said that YOU are the number two! " The good one said.  
  
"I'm sorry! I don't speak to poop! You're habitat is in a toilet, not on Melda's shoulder."  
  
"Now, now." Melda said. "Don't be spiteful, number one."  
  
"What the HELL is she doing?" Boromir whispered to Gandalf as the whole fellowship stared at her with wide eyes. "She's talking to herself...or--or to her shoulders!"  
  
"I told you she has invisible demon-friends!" Legolas hissed.  
  
"What's your point, now?" Melda asked. "Why are you here? Can't you see I'm going to do some business here?"  
  
"A number one?" Number two said.  
  
"Ok, as I have said before, you hate the fellowship, right? Right." Number one said. "So, I have came up with great ideas of pranks for you..."  
  
"No! Don't listen to that she-devil! She's persuading you to the fiery hell when you die!"  
  
"Shut up!" Number one said. "How about..."  
  
She began whispering in Melda's ear and they both grinned evilly.  
  
"How about if you listen to me now?" Number two said. "Ok. You see; life of a Mary-Sue isn't all that bad. I heard you once saying that you liked Éomer after you finished reading the Two Towers, and maybe you can stay long enough so you and him would get together. If you be good to the Fellowship, you will make things more easier for yourself AND them."  
  
"Ba?" Melda said, dumbstruck.  
  
"GOOD! Never heard of the word GOOD before???!!"  
  
"Come again?"  
  
"You're so stupid, I'm surprised your teachers didn't suicide from your stupidity!"  
  
"You know what? You bug me too much." Melda said as she threw the Good Melda Muse on the floor and kicked her so hard that she flew all the way to the Yukon (...if that's possible).  
  
"I'm going to tell God about thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis!!" She screamed as she was high up in the air.  
  
The Evil Melda Muse got down to her knees with tears in her eyes. "Thank you! Thank you! Thank YOU SO MUCH!! I was dying for someone to do that!"  
  
"Arise dear evil Maiden. Do not make me feel pity for thee. Every once in a while, the evil should prevail." Melda said. Number one got up with a grin on her face, waved Adios and disappeared with a 'poof!'  
  
Melda cleared her throat and turned back to the Fellowship who were still staring at her. "What?"  
  
"N-nothing," Frodo said as he broke their eye contact and began stuffing his mouth with sausages. The others did the same thing too.  
  
Melda walked over to them innocently and sat down, Sam and Pippin backed away a little bit. "Soooo...we're going to the Mines of Moria together, right?"  
  
"Yes, unfortunately." Gandalf said rolling his eyes.  
  
"Well you know...I was sorta thinking about it...and what I did ever since I came to Middle-earth was totally wrong." Melda smiled. "So if you'll excuse me now, I'm going to go do some good deeds now."  
  
She got up silently began packing their sleeping bags as the others stared at her in horror.  
  
"Well...I suppose she turned over a new leaf in one night..." Gandalf muttered.  
  
"Melda nice...I never thought I'd live to see the day." Boromir said.  
  
"Strider...I'm scared!!" Frodo said as he clung to his coat.  
  
"We all are, Frodo." Aragorn whispered back. "We all are..."  
  
Melda mentally grinned as she watched them staring at her. Once she finished packing up their sleeping bags on Bill, she turned back to them. "What's wrong? Never met anyone who woke up on the right side of the bed before?"  
  
"Oh...no it's nothing." Gandalf hit Aragorn on the head with his staff and they decided to act like everything was normal and began finishing their breakfast.  
  
The others did the same thing but Merry came up to her, "May I help you?"  
  
Melda gave him a REALLY scary look with pure evilness in her eyes. "Get away from me, you little midget!"  
  
Merry fell back and scurried away from her as fast as he could on his knees.  
  
She smiled as if it was perfectly normal and picked up their waterskins to fill them up with water from the lake nearby.  
  
*~*  
  
"Wow...she's not even singing anymore." Sam whispered to Frodo. "Although I have the feeling she's waiting for something...she's been watching us like a hawk."  
  
"Why do you suppose that?" Frodo whispered back.  
  
"I'm not really sure..."  
  
They trudged along the road down to Moria and Bill was getting more nervous. Horses do that when they feel some evil presence, so that must mean why Boromir and Gandalf were nervous too.  
  
Aragorn, being dirty and sweaty, was thirsty so he picked up his water skin.  
  
Melda jumped up in excitement when she saw him and he eyed her suspiciously but shrugged it off and drank the water.  
  
Suddenly he immediately spat it out. "ARGH! WHAT IS IN THIS WATER?!"  
  
"N-n-nothing!!" Melda said trying to hold her laughter in, but with no avail.  
  
Aragorn poured some water in his hand and saw little black slimy things swimming about. "TADPOLES??!?!"  
  
This was too much for Melda to hold in so she erupted into chocking laughter.  
  
"Tadpoles?!" Bormir yelled as he discovered there were some in his water skin too, as well as everyone else's except for Melda's. "What kind of a joke is that!?"  
  
"I knew she was being nice for an evil reason." Sam said. "I knew it was too good to be true."  
  
"Congratulations Melda," Gandalf said sarcastically. "You're going to make us go thirsty to death as to there nothing but contaminated water in Moria and we do not know how long we shall be staying in there."  
  
"My point exactly." Melda grinned. "You shall die of thirst, and I shan't! I shan't! Muahahahahha!!"  
  
"No, we'll just take YOUR water!" Said Legolas snatching hers from her bag.  
  
"Hey, give that back!" Melda yelled trying to get it back.  
  
"No, we won't." Gandalf said as Legolas gave him her water skin. "For your lack of injustice, you shall receive this as a punishment. Looks like YOU'LL be drinking the tadpole-infested water for until we get out of Moria. Who's laughing now?"  
  
Gandalf, Boromir, Legolas and the hobbits began to laugh madly looking like those retarded villains from the old batman series.  
  
Aragorn wasn't laughing though. As was told before, that he has a pretty short temper and he was steaming. "She wants pranks? Oh I'll give her pranks." Me whispered murderously under his breath. "Let the pranking begin..."  
  
*~*  
  
MWHAHAHAHAHHAHAH!! I'm DONE!! Yippe!! *dances around* Guess what? I'm doing my French oral on Orlando Bloom!! It's tomorrow, so wish me luck.  
  
IMPORTANT VOTING POLL:  
  
Ok so my friend says that Melda's a little too crazy. So she suggested that how about she hits her head on a rock and becomes normal. I told her that people get tired of Mary-Sue and maybe this is something different. So what do you think?  
  
SHOULD MELDA GET HIT BY A ROCK AND BECOME NORMAL AND STOP ANNOYING THE FELLOWSHIP, OR SHOULD SHE STAY EVIL, LIKE I DO??  
  
Now your gonna have to vote! ^.^!  
  
*~*  
  
Surfer-Gurl : Hehe, being grounded sucks. I'm new to it, cuz my mum started doing it this year or so. I usually get yelled at, and I can't help but laugh (which pisses my parents off.) But thanks for reviewing!! ^.^! (hey I like these face thingys, they're kinda cute!)  
  
Hi-Tech Tuathan: Yay! I'm happy that I finally wrote somefink. Hmmm...I'm sorry, I still don't understand the bold and italics thingy. Maybe you should forget it. I'm too dumb to understand. You put *s around the word you wanna italic? Ok, I'll try next time!  
  
Fruity: Whoa, kinda got scared for a min! I read 'fuck you' and I thought I was getting flamed! *wipes sweat off face* Hehe, ya so then I saw that you were QUOTING. And did you say 'I hope you're in TOO much trouble' or what you meant to say was NOT too much trouble? And aww, thanks about the cure comment!! =^.^=  
  
Imbefaniel (chap 13): Flamers suck...ah well. Lol, I think I read one of you're stories, I think it was a poem in elvish and I commented there. That's so cool, you sound as if you speak elvish fluently!  
  
Lady Eowyn (chap 13): Hehe, thanks. But I find that getting back at people is sorta fun (im pretty evil in a way) but it just depends on the situation. And thanks for reading my fic anyway. About the spell-check thingy, I'll try to send it to you if I ever have the time. And I said I hate Geography not Geometry. But then again, I hate that too. I hate SCHOOL, period.  
  
Valencia22: I did? YAY! THANKS!! Whoops, I didn't mean to CHOKE you with laughter, but it was very flattering anyways, thankies!  
  
Lady Eowyn (chap 12): Sorry. Ya as I have said in chap 13, is that I respect your POV. And um, what does CC mean? Oh and about the 'make an ass of u and me', Hmm...been there, done that (well, of myself actually). Too much drama classes make you less shy in front of people. And when that happens, you can get PRETTY crazy in the school halls or in shopping centers. O.o  
  
Lightning: Ok, I'll try spelling my words better next time. And thx for the review. Actually I must correct you in something; my pink spotted untamable flower gorillas own Middle-earth!  
  
Evil Aryante: =^.^=! Thankies! That review was pretty flattering. Although, I'm not the greatest writer! I just write out of boredom. Ever read 'It only happens in the fanfics' By Elvea Amanfalathiel? I love that fic! Or perhaps the ones of 'Legolas is mine'?  
  
Lightning (chap 3): Uh...thanks!  
  
Lightning (chap 2): Kalimac? Where the hell did you find that out from?? Lol, thanks for your review.  
  
Rowana166: Thanks! Hope you liked this chapter!  
  
Hi-Tech Tuathan (chap 12): Disturbing? Yes. I didn't intentionally mean for the story to go that way, but ah well!  
  
Videl-14 (chap 12): thanks! Ya, writer's block really DOES suck!  
  
Imbefaniel (chap 12): Oh sorry! I had the feeling you were a girl. And I'm still a real beginner in elvish, so I had no idea you put 'iel' for girls and whatever for boys. Anyway, that's exactly what I meant to do (for Legsy, and Aragorn to read the slash fics), and about the dummie book, hmm...I was thinking about that before. But maybe I'll do the next chapter in Melda's point of view instead--crap! I just revealed the next chapter! Lol, it was no big deal, anyways, thanx for ur review! ^.^  
  
Meghan: Hehe! Thanks!  
  
*~*  
  
Yay! I'm done! *dance around again* anyways, yesterday, I had Math, Science, Geography and art, and oh god! I didn't do any of the homeworks!! Luckily, I slipped through everyone of them, though it's not the first time I do that. ^.~  
  
*~*  
  
For now, you review! If you want to read more of this fic, you must encourage by reviewing!  
  
-- xox  
  
Angil, 


	15. Hehe!

Yello! Really sorry it took me such a long time to update. I'm working on a new fic! ^.^  
  
A/N: I used some of the ideas Imbefaniel and Yellow Drake X gave me. So I wanna thank them and I hope they don't mind me using them in my fic! ^.~ -- (You just gotta love those faces!)  
  
Oh and about the war on Iraq. Just to tell you, I'm on neither side. I think they're both wrong. I believe that there's other options to solve this problem. That is what Canada and France are trying to show (go them!). But anyways, I hope that the U.S and British troops come home safely while the innocent Iraqi civilians heal quickly and don't get in anymore danger.  
  
*~*  
  
Disclaimer: Old McDonald had a farm! E-I-E-I-O!! And on that farm he had a-- Oops, sorry. My little sis is listening to nursery rhymes with the volume on full blast again. *walks over the her, snatches the cassette, puts in a box, puts in another box, sticks a stamp on it and mails it to Autralia* There we go. Now where were we? Oh yeah! I wish I owned Lord of the Rings but all I have is the movie script, posters, will be getting a Legolas action figure ^.^ and an Arwen bookmark with a cheap metal version of The one Ring. (But me likes it anyway.)  
  
*~*  
  
CHAPTER 14  
  
*~*~*~*~*~* MELDA'S POV *~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Who the fuck do those fucking fuckers think they fucking are? What the hell? Taking my water skin?? Man they just keep making it worse!  
  
I looked up into the sky which was dim and put on the best puppy face I can do, hoping that God would feel sorry for me and take me back home.  
  
Hmm...ok nothing happened...  
  
Just my luck. Out of all the girls who wish to end up here, I had to be THE one. And now look how it's going!  
  
Freaken' losers. I hope that I help them fail instead and all Middle-earth dies. MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!  
  
"Melda? What are you doing?" Sam asked as he looked at me worriedly.  
  
Ok... it seems that I was doing the gestures of my thoughts.  
  
"NOTHING!" I barked fiercely as I took my sleeping bag far, far away from them.  
  
On the corner of my eye, I saw them too unrolling their sleeping bags as Gandalf drank some of MY water...  
  
I grinned evilly as I heard them groan and yell in rage as they lied down in the sleeping bags, in which I loaded tons of tiny rocks when I offered to pack them.  
  
Hehe, touchdown...  
  
*~*~*~*BACK TO ME TELLING THE STORY*~*~*~*  
  
"Oh Gods, she is going to drive me to the brink of madness." Boromir sighed as he picked the tiny rocks out off the sleeping bag.  
  
"Me too." Aragorn agreed, doing the same thing.  
  
None of the fellowship was able to sleep. It was hard removing these rocks; they were so small and they stuck to the fabric.  
  
Legolas stared at Melda, who was now snoring loudly in her rock-less sleeping bag, murderously. "What do you need her for anyway? She wants to kill us, so why not just kill HER? Why not tie her up and leave her for the wrags, or better yet, let her play with a herd of orcs? (Thanks to Imbefaniel for the idea! ^.~)"  
  
"No, Legolas," Gandalf said. "I think she might scare them away."  
  
Legolas chuckled at the thought and looked at her. One might say that people in comfy beds sleep like a baby...well no. Melda sleeps like a big fat pig that is suffering from some new type of Asthma.  
  
Gandalf sighed, threw aside his sleeping bag and took some spare clothes from his pack and formed a bed to sleep on. The others looked at him as if he was some sort of genius and did the same.  
  
Aragorn beckoned Legolas and whispered something to him. The elf grinned and nodded. (You know, you can try to get your mind out of the gutter. This is not a slash story.)  
  
*~*  
  
(Thanks to Yellow Drake X! ^.~)  
  
Melda was snoring loudly as she was in a dreamless sleep with her mouth wide open. She felt something being poured in it and then her throat going dry. She suddenly got up and tried to talk but only brown powder flew out.  
  
"Thand?!" She yelled disbelievingly as she spat the brown sand out of her mouth. "Dithgusthting!"  
  
She shot a glance at the fellowship's camp and saw Legolas and Aragorn cracking up. The others were slowly waking up one by one.  
  
"Haha, vehy fanny." Melda yelled with her tongue stuck out, not wanting to put it in her mouth. "I'm tho ganna kill you athter thith!"  
  
"Melda, NO!" Aragorn yelled between fits of laughter as Melda ran and grabbed a random water skin to drink from to wash away the sand.  
  
Unfortunately, that resulted of a mix of mud and tadpoles in her mouth. She spat the mix disgusting ever moment of it while now the whole fellowship were howling with laughter that no one would be surprised if they woke up the Balrog in Moria themselves.  
  
Melda gave them her most evil death-glare, with flames flashing in her eyes, that they took a step back and she charged at Aragorn.  
  
Aragorn dodged her and wiped away a tear. "We thought you that you might be hungry, so we fed you some of the sand we found. I heard they have good salts and healthy minerals in them!"  
  
"No wait, I thought they only work for animals." Legolas said grinning.  
  
Melda spat once more, "Oh shut up! You deserve the animal food instead! Besides, you're even skinnier than me! You're like what? 50 pounds? You look like one of those 1800's orphan kids!"  
  
"You know," Legolas said a matter-of-factly. "it's not that I don't mind a good joke every once in a while, but yours was seriously not funny. Besides I think animal food suits YOU better, more like for pigs, for you look like a pig. And not to forget mentioning that you eat like a pig, smell like a pig, act like a pig, walk, talk like a pig and you--"  
  
He ducked as Melda tried to throw a rock at his head, "Did I mention that you throw like a pig too?"  
  
"What-- how can a friggin' pig--" Melda asked unbelievably, but then she shook her head and gave Legolas the evil eye as she pointed a finger at him and said dramatically, "Oh you're gonna get it--you're gonna get it BAD. I'll show you-- you and the others. You're gonna be feeling PAIN!"  
  
Melda kept pointing the finger at Legolas as she took slow steps back until she was out of sight.  
  
Moments later she came back with a dejected look upon her face. "I can't find my way home..." She said on the verge of tears.  
  
*~*  
  
This was short wasn't it? Sorry, I have to go study for Math now, to avoid being completely embarrassed again. (Something that had to do with accidental mix-up of words in the copybook that caused the teacher to stare at me with wide eyes...*blushes* Oh god...)  
  
*~*  
  
Anywho, the vote thing. Obviously, people told me that Melda should stay evil. Or better yet, hit her head on a rock and become more psycho/evil (hehe, I like that one.)  
  
More votes (srry!)  
  
SHOULD I PUT SOME ROMANCE IN THE STORY? LOVE HINTS BETWEEN ONE OF THEM IN THE FELLOWSHIP? TO 'SPICE' UP THE STORY (lol!)??  
  
*~*  
  
Ok now to reviewers,  
  
El loco uno: Hehe, I guess that's what I'll do. *cackles evilly* Oh and by the way, why r u asking ME for slash fic links? Hmm...well ok I admit, I've read some before, try this link: He has a collection of A/L stories. Oh and by the way, nice name. ^.^  
  
Lightning (chap14): Oooooh, ok. Thanks but I have to finish the First book before! I'm a VERY slow reader...  
  
Lightning (chap13): Nope, doesn't work. I tried it and there's still nothing special going on with the letters. This girl told me to Save the word file as an HTML, but my pc's Word doesn't have it. *smacks computer* Oh God! I think I almost broke it! Damn thing. It's like 5 yrs old! Anyways, I'm adding the names too. Thanks for the help! Saves a lot of trouble. ^.^  
  
Lightning(chap11): Oops, sorry.  
  
Lightning(chap10): Ok maybe I should stop replying every single review of the chapter and answer you once all in all! Um, anyways I found that out like a million years ago. I was just too lazy to correct it. Forgive me. ^.^  
  
songelf88 and G.H.S. the warg: Yes that's what I was planning, I'm keeping her evil even if my friend would have knocked me out with an iron. And thanks for adding my on your favorites! :-)  
  
Kristen: Why, why, why must I repeat this every time??? Melda nags that she hates LotR like crazy. And now imagine her ending up in m-e. She also hates Mary-Sues like crazy and she doesn't want to end up like one of them, so she does what she can to avoid it. Does that explain better?  
  
Evil Aryante: Lolz, thankies! Yes I was gonna keep Melda evil anyway. By the way, how come you don't log on ur account anymore? U did in the beginning of the fic.  
  
ElfIcarii(chap2): Really? Yay! Thanks!  
  
ElfIcarii(chap1): No way! I don't hate LotR. I'm crazy about it. Yes so all in all, it's MELDA who hates it, not me. (DIE MELDA! DIE!!)  
  
Lily of the Shadow: I'm evil too! Sometimes I scare my friends when I get totally pissed off. It's kinda funny! I love LotR, and if I end up in M-E instead of Melda, I would try make myself the perfect example of a Mary- Sue! TRY! ^.~  
  
Shirel: Lol, thanks. Hope you liked this chapter.  
  
Yellow Drake X: Thanks for the idea! Hope you don't mind me using it, do u?  
  
Cyberwing: ^.^ Thanks, hope u liked this chapter.  
  
Imbefaniel: Hehe, thankies. And I'm sick now too. Ugh...my head hurts...and I'm coughing like crazy. And I just found out that I'm allergic to cats! You know how much that sucks?! But I'm not sure yet. I just hope that it's just a normal thing and not an allergy.  
  
Videl-14: Hmm...romance hints...yes, I'm doing a voting on that. But I already have a good idea in my mind that I'll use later. *grins evilly* Can you believe how many times I said the word evil, evilly?? It's getting kinda scary. And lol, I know Saruman didn't say Ratsy Ratsy Ratsy Rats. That's just what I thought I heard. Lmao! What he really said, was 'Cuiva nwalca Carnirassë! Nai yarvaxëa rasselya taltuva ñotto-carinnar!' And my spring break finished a month ago. :-( NO FAIR! *pouts and refuses to do anything else* Anyways, thanks for the review! ^.~  
  
High-Tech Tuathan: Lol! Hehe, funny. Thanks! Um...what was I going to say...? Oh yeah! I got the info about Gandhi from the Encartra Encyclopedia CD. *huggles CD* It's really interesting! You should get it! It has games too!  
  
Ginnilien: Thanks. Hmm...that's what I was thinking about before. But I swear I thought of the idea of doing stupid pranks on each other before I read Elvea's chapter. But I'll try not to swing it into her story's direction. And I didn't even read 'why you' but I'll try to and see if there's any similarities. ^.~  
  
*~*  
  
Yay! I'm done! So yes, hope this chapter wasn't bad. Review please! 


	16. Insults, comebacks and more of Melda!

Eeeep!! NO PLEASE HI-TECH TUATHAN!! Anything but *gulp*...THAT! Junkmail is EVIL, I tell ye! My mailbox is full of them! Chainletters too! They are Satan's minions!  
  
Anyways, ya that's because I didn't update in a long time. About that...I'm sorry! Eeep! Sorry! Stupid homework! *shakes fist angrily at the math and French teacher* It's all their fault! Anyways, at least I updated!  
  
In this Chapter, there will be no pranks. (sorry!) But there is insults, comebacks and psycho Melda! ^.^ It's just so hard to get some good pranks! So if you're reading this boring Author's Note, I'm asking you that maybe you could give me some prank ideas and I'll give you credit if I write them part of the story! Thankies! ^.~  
  
*~*  
  
Chapter 15--  
  
*~*  
  
*~*~*MELDA'S POV*~*~*  
  
Too doo dum doo dah...  
  
The stupid Fellowship (NOT including me...well actually yeah...BUT I'M NOT STUPID!!) were trudging along the road.  
  
Funny...  
  
We haven't said a word to each other all morning. They all looked like zombies 'cause they didn't have enough nappy time last night from the rocks I put in their sleeping bags and from my screaming. Hehe...serves them right. DIE! DIE! DIE!  
  
Even Legolas looked worn out. I smiled triumphantly.  
  
Stupid elf, thinks he's all good. All that. I wish I could just do something that would hurt him! It's so tempting to snip off his hair! Or- or push him in mud or something. But it's impossible!! He can hear me from a mile away! I think...  
  
I don't know much about elves and I don't want to know. They're not even supposed to exist! Stupid Tolkien...  
  
We came across a large lake and that's where Gandalf immediately stopped to examine the walls near us. Everyone stopped too, and me not noticing, slammed right into Legolas. Grrr...!  
  
He glared at me as if I did it on purpose and I glared back at him.  
  
Gandalf sighed and began feeling the walls. Eww...that sounded bad!! Where was I? Oh yeah, then he began mumbling stuff to himself while looking at the moon and the walls. Damn I told you he was a crazy nutcase. Crazier than me!!  
  
Just then, magical markings appeared and everybody gasped. Wow. Big whoop. Lights on a wall. Now I've seen everything. Gandalf began reading the markings about some dwarf owning this place. Hmm...I remember reading this in the book.  
  
"What does it mean?" Asked Frodo.  
  
"Hum, it's quite simple. If you're a friend, you just speak the password." Gandalf said smiling. Then he put on his hat, took his staff, looked at the walls as if he was the most important person in the fellowship (even more than me?! Ha! Me finks not!) and said something that sounded like, "Anon is a dim; Edros is, amen. Feannos, no gothrim. Last O' Bethlehem."  
  
"What did you say?" I asked confused.  
  
"He said: Annon Edhelin, edros hi ammen. Fennos nogothrim, Lasto beth lammen." Legolas said in an annoyed tone then he added sarcastically. "Would you also like me to translate it for you, your majesty?"  
  
"Why not, dear peasant? At least you would have some use." I said smiling.  
  
"I think we are misunderstanding each other. I'M the prince and YOU'RE the peasant." Legolas said calmly.  
  
"Actually, I--"  
  
"WOULD YOU TWO SHUTUP!?" Gandalf yelled. "I'm trying to concentrate!"  
  
"Is there another way to open the door?" Asked Frodo.  
  
"How about if we pick the lock?" Pippin said. Gandalf smacked his forehead.  
  
"Kick it down!" Boromir said.  
  
"NO! We cast a spell." Gandalf said.  
  
"Hack it open!" Gimli roared.  
  
"You guys are so dumb!" I said. "The answer is so obvious! I found out what it was before they said it in the book! Or the movie, either."  
  
"What is it then?" Asked Aragorn.  
  
"Nice try! I ain't telling." I said folding my arms.  
  
"She's just saying that. She doesn't really know." Legolas said.  
  
I picked up a rock and threw it on Legolas but as usual, he dodged it and it hit Pippin's head.  
  
"Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry Pippin!" I said. Ok, I don't really hate Pippin. He's one of the least people who don't annoy me. Actually, he's the ONLY one who doesn't annoy me.  
  
"Hmm? What are you talking about? Sorry for what?" Said Pippin stupidly.  
  
"The rock..."  
  
"Rock? What rock?"  
  
"You didn't...? Um never mind..." I said.  
  
Gandalf sighed again. "I don't care if Melda knows the password or not. I don't even want it to be told by her."  
  
Ouch...  
  
So due to Gandalf's stubbornness of not begging on his knees for me to tell him the password, we sat there waiting for his slow mind to work for God knows how long.  
  
Aragorn released Bill and Sam began crying. I laughed madly at him for a while. Gimli was bragging about Dwarf welcoming. Hehe, can't wait till we actually go in Moria. I'm gonna laugh at him silly. The hobbits were cooking (well what a surprise? Ok, I'll join them later...). Boromir was playing with the scabs of my bite marks on his hands and Legolas was doing something strange. He was on his knees on the ground picking something up and putting it in a bottle.  
  
A leaned over for a closer look but Legolas saw me and growled at me. Oooook...I moved back and decided to annoy someone else...  
  
"Hey, guys. Let's play a game of 'who throws a rock the farthest in the lake.'" I said picking up a rock and smiling slyly.  
  
"Let's not." Aragorn said grabbing my arm just when I about to toss the rock. "Don't disturb the water."  
  
I grinned stupidly. "Fine. Let's play another game." I threw the rock at Aragorn and it hit him right in the middle of his forehead. "It's called: Let's piss Aragorn off."  
  
Aragorn yanked a small dagger from his boot and thrust it near my neck dangerously. "At first I thought you were just some innocent freaky little girl who put all her anger on us because she was just hurt deep inside but now I know that you are pure annoying and crazy with no excuse. I've had just about enough of you."  
  
"Ooooooh, I'm so scared. Won't Arwen-Darwen and Edmond be mad at you if you kill me?" I asked mockingly. Ha, I know he won't actually do it.  
  
"THEY will. But I wont." Aragorn grinned wickedly. Ok...he was really starting to look scary. With all the sweat and the flies flying all around him... (when was the last time he had a bath...?)  
  
"Aragorn, stop." Gandalf said. "Why do you even bother wasting your time with someone as immature as her?"  
  
"You're right." Aragorn said, putting back his dagger. "She's not worth it..."  
  
"Excuse me? I am worth more than you think, you know!" I said rubbing my neck. "One day I'll--"  
  
"Yeah, yeah." Aragorn said waving his arm uncaringly as he walked away. "Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent."  
  
I looked at him in a shocked expression. He insulted me! (was that the first time though...?) "I swear that when you're not looking, I'm gonna haul out a sword and stab you all!"  
  
Gimli scoffed, "She does not know who she's talking to, does she?"  
  
"Listen, are you always this stupid?" Said Legolas. "Or are you just making a special effort today?"  
  
I yelled in rage and stomped away, leaving the Fellowship laughing madly at me-AGRH! I'm gonna kill them sooner or later!  
  
*~*~*BACK TO ME TELLING THE STORY (finally!)*~*~*  
  
Melda slumped down on the cold hard ground and began throwing small rocks in the lake as she sighed. She shot a quick glance at the Fellowship and they glared at her. She glared ferociously back at them.  
  
Suddenly the water began to move harder than before. Aragorn looked at Melda and jumped, "MELDA! I thought I told you not to disturb the water!!"  
  
"Ooops, I forgot. Maybe because I'm too stupid to remember what you told me, aren't I Aragorn?" Melda said through clenched teeth.  
  
Frodo screamed as the huge octopus thingy emerged out of the lake and grabbed his ankle. Boromir immediately cut off its tentacle and dropped Frodo. Then it began charging at the others.  
  
Melda took the opportunity to hurt one of the members, so she ran up to the scene grabbed the first person she could get her hands on (which unfortunately was Frodo) and began swinging him in the air near the octopus yelling, "Here fishie! Who wants yummy food food?"  
  
"MELDA!" Sam shrieked in horror. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MR.FRODO!?!"  
  
She grinned and simply said, "Killing him."  
  
"I WON'T LET YOU!!" Sam yelled, picked up a frying pan and began to wack Melda with it. She tumbled and fell to the ground.  
  
She was about to hit Sam back but an octopus tentacle shot out of nowhere and grabbed her legs, lifting her high up into the air. She screamed but Legolas shot an arrow and the tentacle dropped her.  
  
Melda immediately jumped on her feet and ran to the secret door. She began banging it yelling loudly, "Mellon! Mellon! Come on, open up! Open Mellon- E!! MELLLOOOOOOOON!!"  
  
Gandalf looked at her and had the look of 'Ooooooooh' on his face. He walked over to Melda and pushed her away. "That's not how you say it you twerp! It's MELL-on!"  
  
The doors of Durin magically opened up and Melda tried to run in but someone accidentally toppled over her and they both fell to the ground.  
  
"Ow! Hey!" Melda said angrily as she tried to see who was on top of her. And it was none but Legolas.  
  
They looked at each other silently for a moment just went Melda snapped out of it and threw him off. "What do you think your doing!?"  
  
"Saving your life!" Legolas replied, getting back up.  
  
"As if! I bet you just took the advantage of the moment when everyone was busy so you can pin me down here in the dark and get it on!"  
  
"WHAT?! No one in their right mind would be caught dead with you!"  
  
"Ha! I'm not the one who scare away people with their looks!" Melda laughed.  
  
"You're right. You're so ugly, you actually scare away BLIND people!" Legolas retorted.  
  
Melda looked at him in an offended way. "Asshole."  
  
"Bitch."  
  
"Oh yeah? Well you're--you're bitchIER!" She stuck out her tongue triumphantly.  
  
Legolas sighed and rolled his eyes, "The term 'Bitch' means a FEMALE dog. Female dogs like YOU for example."  
  
"You know what? I've always been considered the most feminine in my group back home but I guess I've actually met someone who is more feminine than me."  
  
"Then you obviously have been hanging around in a group of she-males."  
  
"What? Like you?" Melda smiled.  
  
"Go to hell." Legolas said, his anger turning visible.  
  
"After you."  
  
"Ladies first."  
  
"WELL THEN WHAT ARE YOU WATING FOR!?"  
  
"Oh what? So you're a man now? I see that you've been lying to me when you said about being the most feminine in your group. Unless YOU'RE a she-male. " Legolas smirked.  
  
Melda smacked her forehead. "No wait. That's not what I meant. Let's rewind to the part where you said 'Ladies first', ok?"  
  
Someone behind them cleared his throat. It was Gandalf, his staff was lit up and Gimli was lying on the floor crying.  
  
"Incase you two haven't noticed between your constant bickering, that the monster-creature has broken down the doors and we can't get out, Moria turned out to be a tomb, Goblins are out there, Gollum is following us, I'm about to die soon and GIMLI'S CRYING HIS ASS OFF!!!"  
  
"Ouch," Melda said. "Bet you never expected Gandy to talk like that..."  
  
*~*  
  
*sigh* Doesn't it seem like it takes me so long just for them to get to someplace? It took me like 15 chapters so they can get up to Moria! While in other fics, the whole story's in only 4 chapters. Oh well! More details= more chappies!  
  
*~*  
  
Votes:  
  
Ok, so people voted NO ON 1290348!! Um, I mean no on Romance! Though I got this funny idea with odd parings, like Gollum (hehe! That was so funny!). But whatever, no romance! (but I like romance!! *pouts*) No, I'm sorry, I'm not crazy, I just need sleep. Anyways...  
  
SHOULD I WRITE THE POVS (POINT-OF-VIEWS) OF THE OTHER MEMBERS OF THE FELLOWSHIP AND SEE WHAT THEY'RE THINKING?? (hmm...would be funny...)  
  
*~*  
  
Review replies,  
  
Hi-tech Thuathan: As I have said before, NO JUNK STUFF!! PLEASE!! Oh, God these stuff drive me crazy! I hate Chainletters, people say I should just delete them and ignore them, but I just can't help it! I have to see what's inside! But then it says, Send this to at least a 324894377777399999933333333399 people or the ghost of Jenna will come get you in your sleep. Annoying, eh? Anywho, thanks for ur review!  
  
Lightning: Ok, no romance! ^.^ Btw, thanks for the prank ideas! I'll try to put them in the future chapters. Though won't Melda get killed by creatures if they give her bad directions to Lothlorien? THINK OF THE CONSEQUENCES!! Ahem, I'm ok...^.~ Thanks for ur review!  
  
Arwen: Oh thanks! Yay! Glad it was funny! Ok, no romance! And of course Melda's staying evil! That's what the story's all about, is it not? ^.~  
  
Mellon: Yay! Happy to kno it was funny! ^.^ (these faces are soo cute!!) And now that I updated...can I have my cookie? I would prefer Mr. Christie's chocolate chip ones--or better yet, Pillsbury cookies fresh out of the oven. *drools and runs to the kitchen to snatch some* ahem! Anywho, thanks for the review!  
  
Lily of the Shadow: Thanks!  
  
Surfer-Gurl: I know! I hate school! *shakes fist at the teachers* They give us extra homework just cuz we talk! It ain't my fault though! My mouth just moves on it's own! Oh and glad you find me funny! Very flattering, yes and I do crazy stuff too. But my friends find it funny. Hmm...and about the romance...Haldir perhaps? *grins evilly* Shhhhhhhhhh... ^.^  
  
Enednilwen: Yay! Coolies, thanks!  
  
Imbefaniel: NO ROMANCE! Yes, I know. I didn't want that either. I dun't know why I asked. Just wanted to hear wat other ppl think. Anyways, u built a longbow? Coolies! My bro would freak out if I told him, cuz he was trying to build one for so long. It's supposed to take a couple of months to build one right? Like, you have to put in a humid spot for 2 to 3 months so it can be bendy or somefink like that. I used to do archery in camps (ow, hurt my wrist badly from the stupid string!!). Hey, can u shoot a squirrel for me? Lol, that would be funny. I once scared one by shooting it with water in the hose on full blast. Hehe!  
  
Yellow Drake X: Eeep! Michael Jackson scares me!! I feel bad for his kids! Though, you know what? Some of his songs are pretty goot! Lol, funny review you wrote! ^.^  
  
Cassie-bear01: Naa, don't be sorry for Melda! She's evil! And I dunno if her and Galadriel should team up. I mean they have 2 different personalities! N-e-ways, I'll see! Oh, and oops, sorry I didn't know you live in the Yukon... Ur Canadian? Kool! Me too! What's it like there anyways?  
  
Videl-14: Thanks! Haha! Ur spring brake ended! My Easter Vacation's this Friday! ^.^  
  
Legolas Stalker Tay: Lol, good idea. Thanks!  
  
Shirel: Hmm...thanks for the revenge idea! And I dunno about the romance, no I have something else in mind. I promised Angelia to put some twist anyway! ^.^  
  
Menegliniel: Oh yay! Thankies! ^.^ Ya, I'm leaving romance out.  
  
Meghan: Yay! Thanks! And yup! No romance!  
  
*~*  
  
Ok done! Omg! I need sleep! But. Must. Stay. AWAKE! Everybody, sing with me at the tune of Paul Mcartny's 'Yesterday'!  
  
'Nescafe, what a great way to start the day! It would help you fly away, Oh I believe in Nescafe! With one sip, all your troubles seem so far away, and they need a place to away. Oh won't you believe, in Nescafe?'  
  
Ok I gtg watch Record of Lodoss war in Japanese! (Very good show!)  
  
Anyways, please review! ^.^ -- Aren't these the cutest things you've ever seen!? 


	17. Can't think of a good chapter name, so I...

A/N: I'm reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy sssssssoooowwwwwwwwwyyyyyy for the delay!! Sowy! Sowy! Sowy! But I just had nothing coming to me in mind! Oh god, seriously, and I didn't feel like typing anything lately!! Duh, it's summer vacation!!!! Whoo hoo!!!!! But I hope u like this chapter, as I didn't write anything for a lo0o0o0o0o0ong time and I kinda forgot how evil Melda is!!  
  
GO SEE PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT KICKS A$$!!! :p  
  
Thank u so much for the reviews!! Thank u!!  
  
*~*  
  
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN (Um...I think I got lost in the chapters...)  
  
*~*Aragorn's POV*~*  
  
We ate our cold breakfast quietly. One of us would shoot a quick glance at the sleeping figure on the floor from time to time. That figure was the most unholy-- most evil of all living creatures.  
  
If I say that out loud, I would probably be reminded by the others that Sauron was the one who was the most evil on all of Middle-Earth-- but seriously, being next to Melda, I'm beginning to forget all about him. Beginning to forget what my mission is. Right now, my real mission is to get away from her as far as I possibly can.  
  
You may think it's impossible for someone to be this annoying but--no... You're dead wrong. I have never met anyone more disrespectful, rude, ill manered than her. She shows a bad example for us humans. I want to teach her a lesson, to make her stop this stupidity of hers, but I can't! I'm a future noble king, I cannot hurt a woman...Legolas on the other hand. He doesn't care whatsoever that he's the prince of Mirkwood. The two fight battle. Who will win? I do not know-- though my bets are on Melda.  
  
I did not know what time of the day it was but we stopped and made camp in this immense hall. I couldn't sleep--too busy watching my back, but to my surprise, Melda had done nothing.  
  
I heard movements coming from her direction; so, she had finally woken up.  
  
"Damn!" Merry muttered, snapping his fingers. He made Gandalf promise him that if she doesn't wake up by the time we finish eating breakfast, we would leave her there and continue the journey without her.  
  
Melda sat up, stretched her arms, yawned, scratched her butt and (for the Gods' sake!) began picking her nose and whipping her boogers on the stone floor. We all stared in disgust.  
  
"WHAT!?" She barked. I looked at the piece of bread I was holding and, still disgusted, threw it on the floor. I lost my appetite.  
  
She began feeling her hair, it was very oily and then began picking at a spot on her chin. She sighed in frustration and began muttering in what I think was..uhm, Arabic...I think...?  
  
"Do you want me to be honest with you?" Legolas said suddenly.  
  
"Ba?" Melda asked.  
  
"I'll be honest;" Legolas smiled. "You look just as bad as you feel."  
  
She gestured him a sign with her middle finger. Hmm...I wonder what THAT means. Perhaps a sarcastic 'Good morning to you too'. Legolas ignored it and gave his piece of bread to Pippin who squealed with delight at the generosity.  
  
She got up and sat next to Legolas and me with a growl. The scent of a person who did not have a bath in a long time reach my nostrils (A/N: Or did he just finally smell himself...?) and I grimaced.  
  
Legolas stared at her in disgust, "Dear Valar...look at you. Has anyone else been in the accident?"  
  
Melda stared back at him, her bloodshot eyes flashing and the dark circles beneath them made her look frightening, "Shut up. And I suppose you need a license to be that ugly?"  
  
"What? I'm just saying every girl has the right to be ugly...but you just abused that privilege!!"  
  
"ENOUGH!!!" Yelled Gandalf as he picked up a piece of bread, his voice echoed in the grand hall.  
  
The two just stared at the ground in silence, but then I heard Melda muttering, "Hey Legsy, can I borrow your face for a few days? My ass is going on holiday..."  
  
Legolas opened his mouth to say something back but Gandalf glared at him and began giving warnings in Elvish.  
  
"B-but she started it!!!!" He pointed an accusing finger.  
  
"If you're the prince I've heard of in the many songs of Mirkwood, I expect you to behave the way they said you should usually behave." Gandalf retorted.  
  
I agreed. I mean, sure Melda is a crazy filthy woman, but doesn't Legolas think he has a reputation to uphold? She just wants to bring him down...  
  
We finished eating in silence, packed up our belongings, and continued our journey on. I heard Melda slide next to Frodo. I sighed...what was she going to do this time?  
  
She sighed happily, for some reason. "I feel refreshed after that long nap. Makes me in a happy mood for a couple of minutes..."  
  
Frodo nodded, avoiding eye contact as if she was some kind of monster who would attack you if your eyes meet.  
  
"Say...how come you don't sing like you usually do when your journeying?" She asked casually, her hands behind her back.  
  
"We must keep quite, incase of goblins..." Frodo said, barley above a whisper.  
  
"I got a good song!!" Melda shrieked as if she didn't hear what Frodo just said. She crept up behind the poor hobbit and wrapped her fingers eerily around his shoulder like a sea monster's tentacles and began whispering in a strange tune. "Itsy bitsy Nazgul, went up one rainy day..."  
  
Frodo shuddered, "Stop it."  
  
"Stabbed the little hobbit, and took the ring away..."  
  
"STOP IT!" Frodo pressed. But Melda wasn't listening as usual.  
  
"Once the little hobbit was...AHHHHHH!!!" She screamed all of a sudden loudly on purpose.  
  
That took everyone buy surprise, but not more than Pippin and Frodo. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" They screamed in fright.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Then the three of them broke off together.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! !!" Gandalf then screamed in rage, he took his staff and whacked everybody around him, Melda, twice on the head. "Don't you ever shut up you bloody pest!?"  
  
"NEVER!!!" Melda screamed dramatically. "You're wack, man."  
  
"Shut up, or I'll whack you again."  
  
"You're so wack, you're gonna whack me because I called you a wack, when you know that you're a wack?"  
  
"Yes, I'm going to whack you because you called me a wack, even when I know you're wack." Gandalf clenched his teeth.  
  
"Would you stop with the whole wack thing? It's not even funny." Boromir said.  
  
"Please hear me oh Gods above," I said as we continued walking with Melda humming her annoying tune again. Legolas walked beside me and began whispering something to me, well away from earshot.  
  
"I found something to get Melda back;" He said as he pulled out a jar from his bag. It was full of ants. "Let us put it down her pants, Aragorn..."  
  
I glared at him, "Legolas, we're not here to play games. We're on a quest to destroy the evil ring of doom."  
  
Legolas stared at me with huge blue puppy dog eyes and I knew that if I refuse, he will resort the his adorable pout where he--I closed my eyes- must-think-straight!!  
  
"Pwease, Aragorn. Just ONE trick...get her back...?"  
  
So I just sighed and he jumped happily. Melda looked suspiciously at us but we kept acting normally until she began humming loudly again.  
  
Legolas pranced up quietly behind her, after we've made a plan and I came in front of her. "Uh...you're shoelaces are untied..."  
  
She looked at her feet and raised her eyebrows. "So?"  
  
I looked at Legolas behind her and he shrugged. We expected her to bend down and tie them. "Well, um...hey! You've got ants in your pants!!!!"  
  
"Uh-huh..." She said in a cranky tone. "Har har, very funny."  
  
"Look, you do!!" I said, Legolas smacked his head and finally decided to unscrew the jar.  
  
"Ok, listen, you're jokes are really stupid. I don't know if you would consider them to be hilarious her in middle-land, whatever you call it, and I don't even wanna bother finding out, so sod off if you don't want me to rip off the remaining hairs of yours."  
  
I was about to leave when Legolas finally poured the ants down her leather pants which she wore when we first met. She stood there frozen. She turned around and suddenly slapped Legolas so hard he that he swayed a little.  
  
Her face turned red and she began cursing all sorts of words as she ran around.  
  
We couldn't help but laugh at her sight, even Legolas who had a huge red mark on his right cheek. Melda began scratching her butt madly. "THAT WAS NOT FUNNY!! YOU STUPID FUCKERS!!! IF YOU WANNA DO A PRANK, DO A DECENT ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" She began cursing even more.  
  
"S-shut up!!" Gandalf hissed, between fits of laughter. "The creatures in the cave will hear us!!!"  
  
We decided to stop for a rest right where we stood and Melda who began massaging her butt by rubbing it back an forth on a sharp rock, gave us the worst death-glare we've seen yet. She finally decided to run behind a pillar and change into her white shorts.  
  
*~*~*BACK TO ME TELLING THE STORY!!!*~*~*  
  
"Oh...they're gonna get it..." Melda muttered as picked up her leather pants and tried to rid it from the ants (Look! I'm rhyming!!)  
  
"So, they wanna play rough, eh?" She looked at her bag and suddenly remembered something. She dived upon it and began pulling everything out and finally found what she was looking for: a large blue bottle.  
  
"How could've I forgot!! This is my best prank tool !!" She opened the bottle of white powder and smelled it. It was extra- effective laxative powder. The prank she always pulled once every month on her teachers who would sip on their infected coffee and suddenly in the middle of class, they dash out of the classroom to a nearby bathroom and wouldn't come out till a day or so.  
  
Melda smiled evilly and peered at the fellowship who were talking and laughing, Frodo looking around anxiously for Gollumn and Gimli, sniffing occasionally so that someone would pay attention to him.  
  
Melda slithered quietly up to Gandlaf's back and snatched the water-skin they all shared and poured a huge amount of lax powder in it. She quickly returned the bottle in her bag and pretended she was coming back from changing.  
  
They all grinned at her. "I hope you got all rid of those ants, Melda," Merry said sarcastically. She smiled at him in an evil way and said nothing then she stared at Gandalf and began doing her act.  
  
"Gandalf, I'm really thirsty. I wanna drink. Please, give me some of your water."  
  
Gandalf laughed sardonically, "HA! You wish! Drink the water you filled with tadpoles! You have nine water skins full of them!"  
  
So, just as she had planned, he picked up his water-skin and began drinking from it in front of Melda. Pretending to be deeply enjoying it, "Ahh! Mm! That was good! Clear water!!"  
  
And much to Melda's satisfaction, Sam snatched the water-skin and began drinking too, then the other...and the other...and the other. All of them pretended to enjoy drinking it so they can make her feel bad, and so she pretended to have a look of disappointment on her face, but ,mentally, had a huge goofy grin on her face.  
  
"Well," Said Aragorn as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "We better get going, mustn't lose anytime."  
  
Just when they finished packing, they all heard some weird sound coming out of Gandalf's stomach. He doubled as his eyes bulged, there was the same sound. "I-I...think I need t-to..." Gandalf grunted but hurried behind a pillar before he could finish his sentence. They heard him cry out in relief. Melda chocked on laughter as the others looked at her suspiciously.  
  
Then the same happened to the hobbits, then Aragorn and soon everyone was behind different pillars as the effect of the laxative started working. They all realized that Melda had done something to their water and they were all cursing and yelling at her, though as her response, they received howls of laughter.  
  
"Man! What did you guys eat!! It smells like you had 20 bowls of chili in a row!!!" She said, fanning the smell away with her hand.  
  
"You are REALLY going to get it this time, Melda." Legolas said hoarsely as he emerged from behind a pillar, his face really pale and full of sweat. "I swear, even if I am a prince, I will--" He ran back to the pillar.  
  
After two hours and 15 minutes, the fellowship came back to the spot, all shivering and wax-faced. They all glared at Melda who took a piece of cloth to cover her nose and mouth from the nauseating, over-powering smell that was sure to have wiped all the goblins and insects living in the mine.  
  
Even the Balrog who was reading a book on 'An idiot's guide on how to make friends without scaring them with your huge whip and smoke wings' quietly in his home picked up the scent and almost fainted.  
  
"This is truly embarrassing..." Muttered Legolas as he clutched his stomach. "Please, let us get out of here fast."  
  
But it was taking them such a long time because one of them would regularly slip away so they can do their...ahem... 'toilettage'.  
  
Finally, the Balrog, who got quite irritated from this strange force of smell that was slowly forming a clan to take over the world, put his book down, got up from his seat and began looking for the traces of the smell.  
  
"Gandalf, I think I need another go..." Gimli muttered.  
  
Gandalf sighed, "But do you not want to see what is inside that room? Your cousin's dead."  
  
"HE IS?!?" Gimli began crying but decided to bother himself with that later rather than soil himself...  
  
Red flames were illuminating the corners of the dark walls and they heard thunderous footsteps coming closer.  
  
"Oh dear Elbereth..." Gandalf muttered. "It's coming after us..."  
  
"Hey--aren't we supposed to fight goblins first?" Sam said as he picked up a frying pan.  
  
"No, you killed them all with the smell, remember?" Melda sniggered.  
  
Boromir growled then yelled, "RUN!!!"  
  
They RAN.  
  
The ran, or in Legsy's case, nanced back to the immense hall and then arrived to the bridge of Kazadûm where Gandalf would meet his fate.  
  
"HOW DARE YOU DISTURB THE FRESH AIR I LIVED ON FOR MANY YEARS!?" The Balrog bellowed as it bared its whip "FOR I SHALL INFORM YOU, YOUR SCENT IS IN MY HOUSE RIGHT NOW SABOTAGING IT!! I TOLD THEM NOT TO WRIGHT ON THE WALL BUT THEY WOULDN'T LISTEN TO ME AND SOME OF THE SENIORS ARE PLAYING LIMBO WITH MY POKING STICK!!!!"  
  
"Wha...?" Melda gaped. "This wasn't supposed to happen!!!"  
  
The others jumped off the breaking staircase, with Melda following close by, repeating the same thing as the Balrog complained some more. But something unfortunate happened; the diarrhea was back and that left the fellowship running with their hands clamped upon their butts.  
  
"OH YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE TILL YOU BREW ME AN AIR-FRESHENING POTION, WIZARD!!!" The Balrog yelled.  
  
Gandalf turned back to face the monster, proud and tall with one hand on the staff and the other on his butt, holding himself.  
  
"Brew you a potion?" He said. "No, no. I am not that kind of wizard. I'm afraid you are mistaking me for Dumbledore. If you want to, I can go to the future and inform him about this situation and he can call Professor Severus Snape to brew that potion for you with a touch of glittering Daisies with the help of Professor Flitwick's charms--"  
  
"SHUT UP!!" Roared the Balrog. He cracked his whip and it caught hold of Gandalf's leg and pulled the wizard up to him, but Gandalf accidentally let out an enormous fart which caused an explosion with the Balrog's flames.  
  
"Gaaaaaaaaaannnnndaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllfffffffffffffffffff ffffffffffffffffff!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Frodo screamed.  
  
"No! We must go! There is nothing we can do!!!" Aragorn yelled as he pulled Frodo back.  
  
They all escaped and were out of the Mines of Moria now. Frodo had fainted, but everyone was sure it was because of the smell.  
  
The fellowship (minus Frodo) glared at Melda.  
  
"Well thanks to you, you sad excuse of a woman, Gandalf is DEAD!" Sam yelled loudly.  
  
"What? It was him who decided to let go and pass wind at the worst moment!!!" She yelled back.  
  
Everyone was in a bad mood, no one spoke or rather because they all had to hide behind a bush and wait till the laxative to finish its job.  
  
*~*~*~* END*~*~*~*  
  
-- What will happen to the Fellowship? Will their diarrhea ever stop?? Will they make it to Lorien without chopping Melda apart? Will the Author ever stop asking questions?? Perhaps not...but tune in for the next chapter, "THE CASE OF THE PMS-ING WOMEN!!!"  
  
A/N: YAY!! I'm finally done!! Lol, ack! I dunno why I haven't been writing for a while. Yes, I had a writer's block and meh... I jus didn't feel like it. I had tons of other stories I'm working on, including a lot that are not on fanfiction, ones that are -- yes!--originally made by me!! Yay! So proud!!  
  
Sorry, if this chapter was weird. I'm in a rather giddy mood. Oh, and I don't think I'm gonna be doing POVs. It's kinda boring, with all the superior vocabulary, especially Legsy's. ^_~  
  
Anywayz, hope you enjoyed this chapter and didn't think it was stupid as I did, though I admit, it was pretty fun writing it ^__^.  
  
*~*  
  
REVIEWS!!  
  
Aryante: Thank u soo much! lol, hmm...the prank with the underwear doesn't seem that bad...*cackles evilly*  
  
Nessa Monyta: U know what? This story was supposed to be a whole romance thingy!! *stares* Weird isn't it? I had no idea Melda was going to be insane. But I don't think I'm gonna put romance like that, lol. The vote says 'NO'. And yeah, I really hate slash fics. 'Specially the Harry Potter ones, with Remus Lupin and Sirius Black. Aack!! They're everywhere! Took me ages to find a normal story!! Anywayz, I'll shut up now! ^__^  
  
MeLAla: Well...I'm probably gonna do POVs. But just once in a while. Dun't like how Aragorn's POV turned out. N-e-wayz, hugz bak!! Lol  
  
Shi oni: Awwwwww thanks!! You actually find this story good?! Lol, I don't know about the romance with Legsy and Melda...but we'll see where t goes! And about the translations, ok, I'll put them up the next time.  
  
Cassie-bear01: Lol! No pairing up with Gollum, promise!! It was just a joke! Happy B-day, by the way. Mine passed a few dayz ago!! I'm officially one year older!!! *looks around proudly*...oh my god!!! A GREY HAIR!!!! Eeeee!! ^_~  
  
Lighting: Merry says that in the book or in the movie?? Well, I'm kinda referring more to the movie cuz I haven't touched the book in a lo0o0o0o0o0ong time and I'm not almost done, yet. Thanks for the Nazgul prank by the way!! :0)  
  
Surfer-Gurl: Yay!! Thanks!! luv record of Lodoss war, but I've only seen like four episodes all which I had to dnlwd in Japanese on the computer!!  
  
Menegliniel: Thanks! Um...hope those were good pranks in the chapter up there. Couldn't think of good ones which you could do in Middle-earth on a journey!! ^_^  
  
Hi-Tech-Tuathan: *nods no*, yep, I'm dead. It doesn't matter whether we live or die, it's not like anyone is gonna care. No one is gonna make such a big deal that it'll affect the world...wow, it's fun being gothic and thinking dark!! Uh...what was I gonna say? Oh yeah, please don't resort to that junkmail thingy, or else I'll be sending you some too. I KNOW UR E- MAIL!!! MWHAHAHAHAH!!!! And sure, u can finish my lil' ficcy, if I'm not up to the challenge anymore. That would be REALLY helpful!! ^__^  
  
Andray: Lol, a lil' Legsy romance? Meh, maybe!! Thanks for the prank tip! Got somefink in mind!! Dun, dun, dun!!!  
  
Vampire_girl0017 : Thanks! I'm baaack!!  
  
Meghan: Updated and writer's block is over! Hope u liked this chapter!!  
  
*~*~*  
  
Author writes -- Author updates -- People read -- People review -- People make Author happy!! (Ahh, the circle of life...^_^) 


	18. Another Author's knot, er, I mean Note

Hey everybody.  
  
Let's start by the most important thing now-- you guyz. I just wanted to thank you all so SOO much for reviewing my story "Kill her! PLEASE! For the love of Legolas" and keeping up with its random insanity. You guys were the best, and I couldn't ask for better reviewers. Thanks for the feedback filled with madness that made me feel at ease (to know there's other wierdos like me ^,^) and not scornful and spiteful remarks.  
  
And second, this story sort of made me grow up a bit (but I don't mean 'grow up' as in 'mature'...sort of like...my writing became somewhat better). I take stories a bit more dramatically now-I know, I know-that's not a good thing sometimes-- but hey, I'm still insane! It was just something to try and see if I can gather a crowd and to poke slight---ok... an extensive amount of fun at those perfect Mary-Sues who nance and prance and speak ever so softly, like the purring of the lofty waves of the ocean on a peaceful midnight hour *shudder*. Anywayz, I had fun writing this story-- back when my vocabulary wouldn't pass over 'insolent' and 'whatsoever'.  
  
So this is a letter for those who are still waiting for a new chapter-- though I think there is not many anymore....since I lost all my amazing reviewers over the past no-new-update year... But I just wanted to say, that despite there's only 2 chapters left for this story, I...don't feel like writing it anymore. I mean, yeah, it was fun, but when I reread it, I realize how stupid/immature it was. The only way I would be satisfied with it is if I write it again...but for those who know me best...I'M TOO LAZY!!! ,  
  
Yep, so MAYBE one day I might pull it off and just finish these two goddamn chapters (it might be soon enough...or not, u never know!! ^_^ Me neither...). I mean, I wrote the beginning of the chapter 18 (I think that's the number...) but then my hopelessly retarded small excuse of a computer crashed and deleted everything...including all my songs and...my Legsy pictures!! x.O  
  
Ok, so like I said; thank you very much to my reviewers!! And incase your wondering, I'm not so sure if I'll finish my other stories as well. Meep, don't get mad at me!!  
  
Lol, I'm working on another original story of girl-falls-into-fantasy world. It might remind you a bit of Melda's character, because she's still a part of me (always has been anyway) but you see, she actually shows feelings! And the story DOES have a plot!!... you might find the link to the first here:  
  
?storyid=1438032  
  
Or if the link won't work; go to fiction press and search for "Ox-DeSeRt RoSe-xO" then look for the story called, "Contraria Contrariis Curantur"  
  
So see yah later guyz (hopefully!) Oh and RETURN OF THE KING RAWKS!! Lol, one person didn't particularly like the movie because he thought it lacked emotion and the kiss of Arwen and Aragorn was "rather violent". Lmao...  
  
Oh and thanks to who ever said that "Spell check isn't Satan, and it's ok for me to use it." It made me laugh for a while...  
  
AnGeLiC dEvIl xox~ ^_^ V -- ^,^ d 


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